Sunday, October 17, 2010


“I’m telling you, I fucked a midget.”

“Dude! No way!”

“Yeah, I’m serious.”

“When? Where? And why didn’t you phone me immediately afterwards!?”

“Listen, it was kinda fucked up. I… I didn’t want to tell anyone about it.”

“That’s understandable. We are talking about fucking a midget, after all, but still! Tell me about it, pretty please…”

“Alright, alright, so I’ve been using the ‘Casual Encounters’ section of Craigslist a lot recently to meet girls. Well, not meet them, but hook up with them, casually...”

“Gotta love that site.”

“I saw this ad for a ‘petite’ single white female, non-smoker, 26, looking for fun, and I answered it.”

“Usually most of those ads turn out to be porn spam.”

“I know. So I was wary, but the photo looked different than usual porn spam. It was a headshot from a weird angle, looked like it was self-taken from a camera phone in the bathroom, and her head was only in the bottom part of the mirror. She was sort of sexy… though I could tell she was a midget.”

“How did you know?”

“How do you not know? Midgets have very particular faces.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“So anyway, I had just taken some LSD and was watching the Fox News Channel. Big mistake…”

“What the fuck does the Fox News Channel have to do with the midget?”

“Nothing really.”

“Are you on acid now? Have you been taking it again before work?”

“Nah, and I’m not on it now, but I was the night I fucked the midget, some really potent shit I scored at a Dead show parking lot.”

“Fuck yeah! Damn hippies have the best shit. Back to this midget, though, please continue…”

“Anyway, yeah, okay, the midget. So I respond to her ad, and like 20 minutes later she replies.”

“That’s quick.”

“I know! And it gets weird too. Her name’s Bridget.”

“Bridget the midget?”

“Bridget the midget.”

“We shoot a couple emails back and forth, small talk. Then she, yes, she, suggests we meet at the bar down the street. Surprisingly, she lived only a few blocks away.”

“And you’d never seen her?”

“Nope. But I guess it might be easy to miss a midget.”

“You’re probably right. I bet a lot of people have midgets living near them and don’t know it.”

“So we meet at the bar, and she turns out to be even hotter in person. Had the rosiest cheeks I’d ever seen. Looked a bit like a midget Nicole Kidman.”

“A midget Nicole Kidman?! Dude!”

“A prime Nicole Kidman too. Not the cockeyed owl-looking bitch she is today.”

“I don’t know what Tom Cruise did to her, but it wasn’t right! Fucking Scientology…”

“Yeah, and I’m like tripping balls at this point, having trouble keeping a straight face because I’m at this bar slamming brews with a midget who looks like Nicole Kidman. Her voice sounded funny too. Midgets have very particular voices. She sounded like some shit from the Wizard of Oz and starts cracking all types of jokes. A fucking comedian, this midget was.”

“Soon enough I’m laughing so hard that I’m clenching my gut and beer’s shooting from my nose and she’s howling like a wolf and slapping on the table after every joke and people around the bar are looking at us crazy.”

“That’s not right, though. I bet midgets get weird looks all the time, even when they aren't cracking jokes.”

“We’re both pretty fucked up at this point. And she, yes, she, suggests we go back to her place… for ‘coffee.’”

“’Coffee’ with a midget. That’s fucking awesome.”

“You know, it was when we left our table that I really realized I was with a midget. After standing up from our chairs, I was just towering over her. She couldn’t have even been four feet tall.”

“Well, she is a midget.”


“So we’re walking back to her place and I’m wondering what it must be like, her place, like if all the doors were tiny, everything’s shrunken, what her toilet must look like, etc… If it’s a secret midget colony or something…”

“But we get there and it was a normal place; a nice, upscale, modern and fashionable one bedroom apartment, except she did have step ladders everywhere.”

“I guess she has to. She is a midget.”

“Once inside, she disappears into the kitchen, and I think she’s going to actually make coffee, as if the ‘coffee’ wasn’t just a euphemism.”

“But she comes out of the kitchen totally naked with a can of whipped cream in her hand. And damn, her body was hot. Had smallish but firm little tits with large light pinkish nipples, neatly trimmed blond bush, and was all together thin and shapely. She really did look like a naked Nicole Kidman, just in midget form.”


“Yeah, so I’m sitting there on the couch, tripping hard, seeing trails and colors everywhere, and like I’m saying, this midget walks out of the kitchen, naked, holding a can of whipped cream, and of course, I sprout instant wood.”

“Who wouldn’t?”

“She sits down on the couch next to me, doesn’t say a word, smiles and calmly hands me the can of whipped cream. I shake it up a bit, then spray some in between her legs, then suck the nitrous right of out of the can, and go in and commence the act of cunnilingus.”

“You ate out the midget?”

“One might think a midget’s vagina would be really tiny or something, but it was normal female sized. She even had a rather large clitoris.”

“Bridget the midget, with a large clitoris, wow…”

“So I’m eating away down there, totally slobbering all over her vagina, my face covered in whipped cream, and she’s all squirming and whimpering as I lick at her private personal part. And dude, I could have sworn that as I was eating her, I was hallucinating her vagina lips moving, speaking to me in a voice that sounded like Fran Drescher.”

“The ‘Nanny?!’ Whoa...”

“Her Fran Drescher talking vagina mouth pushed me over the edge, and I just couldn’t bear anymore foreplay. So I get up and tear off my clothes, kick off my shoes, grab the emergency condom out of my wallet, rip open the wrapper, roll the rubber over my manhood, and dive back down to the couch and mount her, missionary style.”

“Always wondered how someone would fuck a midget…”

“Plunging it in, I feel she’s tight as fuck, and I close my eyes and imagine that I’m fucking her, the midget, and Fran Drescher’s mouth at the same time, which was disturbing, but strangely arousing…”

“Dude, I always wanted to shove my penis in her mouth, just to make her shut the fuck up if nothing else…”

“And so I’m on this couch, pure beast-fucking this midget. Skin slapping skin sex sounds very audible. And she’s yelling loud, screaming and moaning, and I start screaming and moaning and cursing and dirty talking to her.”

“But then it gets even weirder… I’m pulling on her stubby little legs as I’m banging her, and suddenly, one of them comes off!”


“Yeah, a prosthetic…”

“How did you not notice she had a prosthetic? Couldn’t you tell that she limped or something?”

“I guess I was tripping too hard to notice…”


“So her prosthetic comes off, and I’m holding it in my hand and wondering if this is really happening or if it’s the acid.”


“But I’m horny as fuck and figure I’ll just go with it and I keep on fucking her and screaming and she keeps on screaming, even louder now, like not even noticing her prosthetic leg had come off, and now I start hearing her next door neighbor screaming and banging on the wall, telling us to shut the fuck up, and all three of us are screaming in unison and then I start beating on the wall with the prosthetic leg, yelling shit at the neighbor and at the midget concurrently.”

“That’d definitely be some shit I’d complain to my landlord about if it was me living next door.”

“Pretty soon I orgasm and collapse on top of the midget, but then I start smothering her, because she’s so small… and I’m still holding her prosthetic leg in my hand too, so I get up off her and lie down on the other end of the couch.”

“And she reaches over, takes the leg out of my hand as if it’s no big deal. Then she reattaches it, picks up the can of whipped cream, and walks back into the kitchen. A minute later she comes out, still naked, holding a huge bong, almost as tall as her.”

“I thought she was a non-smoker?”

“As did I. But she didn’t say anything in her ad about being a midget w/a prosthetic leg, either.”

“Fair enough…”

“So we take some bong hits, listen to some music for a while, and even dance a bit.”

“You danced with the midget?”

“Yeah, she danced pretty well for having a prosthetic too. Did the latest hip hop moves, the ‘Dougie’ and everything.”


“Then we sit back down on the couch and watch ESPN for a while. Turns out she was quite knowledgeable about sports. We soon get into a heated argument about who was the overall better quarterback, John Elway or Joe Montana.”

“Who’d she think was better?”

“I can’t remember…”

“But she got really mad about it and threw me out of her apartment.”

“Some people take sports far too seriously…”

“Tell me about it! You realize that when you’re tripping on acid and a naked midget covered in whipped cream, hopping around on a prosthetic leg, starts throwing shit and pushes you out the door.”

“If that isn’t a ‘teachable’ moment, I don’t know what is.”

“Yeah, I liked her though, wanted to call her the next day and see her again, but I don’t think I ever got her number. And I couldn’t remember exactly where she lived, either, because I was so fucked up when I went over there and more so when I left. Also couldn’t find her emails or her ad again on Craigslist.”

“Maybe you hallucinated the whole thing and just stayed home that night, tripped on acid and jerked off to midget porn…”

“You know, I probably did...”

“Fucking hippies, they always have the best shit.”


  1. I printed out four dozen copies and inserted them into the church bulletin.

  2. this is no different than reading Tucker Max

  3. @Sigerson: thanks, my friend, if only priests would molest midgets instead of children, the world would be such a better place.

    @Gary: THANK YOU! i have not read much of Tucker Max, but have the utmost respect for his debauchery. i am humbled by your comparison and i thank you for your readership.