Sunday, August 26, 2012

"Hot Dog Bitch" by Newamba Flamingo

When I was 15, my friend and I ran into this really hot girl on the street. My friend sort of knew her, but I didn't. A couple days later, he called and told me she wanted my phone number. So I gave it to him and he gave it to her.

The girl and I started talking. She lived down the street. Pretty soon we started seeing each other, going over to whomever's house was parent-free.

We'd listen to Cypress Hill, smoke weed out of her tiny glass pipe and then make out and fuck. She had amazing tits and gave the best handjobs and blowjobs ever.

I quickly fell in love w/her. She really was beautiful. Looked sort of like Angelina Jolie. Even though her teeth were kinda rotted from bulimia and she had a pacemaker because of some sort of heart defect, she was still so perfect to me.

However, I wasn't her only admirer. Found out later she'd been w/almost every guy in the greater Miami-Dade area. Same routine, too, smoking weed w/them and fucking.

I was hurt at this revelation. But I was still in love. So I called her and told her I loved her. Told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She turned me down, though, saying how she'd just gotten out of a relationship and only wanted to be friends right now.

We saw each other less and less after that. Then I started hearing other things about her. Bad things... Really bad things...

First, someone told me she had HIV, but I didn't believe it.

Then I heard that she'd been at some party and these crackheads she hung out w/ had tied her up in front of everyone, like 50 people, stripped her naked and poured maple syrup over her and licked it off her naked body.

They'd also fucked her with hot dogs, stuck two up her pussy at the same time, and she'd moaned and squirmed and apparently enjoyed the experience.

Shortly thereafter she became known around the city as the “Hot Dog Bitch.”

I'd laughed upon hearing the whole tale and joked about it w/friends. But underneath, behind my smile, it really burned me up, thinking of her on that table, at that party.

I couldn't bring myself to return her phone calls anymore or even say hello when I saw her in the neighborhood, and a little while later she moved to another part of Florida and I never saw or heard from her again.

Until 15 years later, when she found me on Facebook and wanted to be friends. In her request message, she said that through the fog of adolescence and drugs, she couldn't remember why we stopped talking but that she remembered really liking me.

I lied, and told her I couldn't remember why we stopped talking either. I accepted the request and every so often we chat online, usually about politics or traveling.

She's become quite an interesting person now. She lives far away, in the Pacific Northwest, deep in the forest, and has become a wine enthusiast, organic food grower, and vegetarian. She has lots of tattoos, reads tons of books, and is married with two young kids.

But, as much as she's grown and as long ago as those high school days were, whenever I see her profile pic, there’s really only one thing I think about.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Chemist: Frankie Metro: Live in Oakland (July 8th, 2012 ZyFez 2- Club Paradisio)

*Surprisingly, no farm animals were harmed or mistreated during The Chemist's performance. However, the cameras did not stick around for the headlining band of the evening: Stabbing Westward.

Monday, August 20, 2012

*love letter, for the girl in the rift* by: yossarian hunter

can we just this once have it not be about you, just this goddamned once can it not be about you, can it not be about, can it not ,can it be about letting me sleep lengthwise just one goddamn time is that too much to ask it’s been four years & some change since I lost you in that maze…

there is one, I think she’s Marla’s daughter all grown. I have nothing to base this on, there is no science none of that matters with my little bubble girl at my side, whispering answers to questions I’ve yet to voice …

when finally I thought to, I asked her “is there anything I should be asking you” & I don’t know if she’s Marla’s daughter or just something that smells like you but I know she loves me, you can bank on that,I can tell by the way she kissed the air right next to my cheek as she floated over to perch in the place where my lap would normally be…

but there’s one named Bram there’s always Bram stay away Bram I saw what you did last night & she’s not mine but she could be for a minute & oh why’d you do that Bram why oh why oh why oh holymotherjesusfuck why the fuck did you do that?..

a finger that wasn’t a finger but some sort of needle shiny and a killer of shiny things a not for shooting drugs or sewing stars into flags needle but just perfect if perfect is the word it was just fucking perfect for sticking in my bubble girl’s lovely iridescent head & he killed her before she could speak of the things that needed asking that rotten goddamn vampire left her a giant deflated mess in my lap my misplaced lap where all she ever wanted was to sit & answer me questions I never thought to ask & I was already mad at him for the previous night’s episode in which he ate my geometry so I poked him in the chest snarling

”I saw what you did motherfucker, ain’t you got some off to fuck” & oddly enough he did yep he fucked right off I only wish he hadn’t turned out the lights before he did. it’s been damn near five years sleeping diagonal & I just wanted to get lengthwise for a night maybe two…

can we just once, just goddamned once, let this not be about you?..

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I don't know what's worse- the copyrighted picture of an alligator's dick, or the face of the guy who ate it?

I don't know what's worse,
the copyrighted picture of
an alligator's dick, or the
face of the man who ate it,

or the sound of JOHN FOGERTY
defiling my wife's retarded
cross-eyed Buddha with an
Australian bush back-up band
& waaay too much emphasis
on the strings,

big outback jug tempo barbie dads
screaming like pariahs/pornaholics
caught in the snuff rack aisle,
discotheque in the exposed underbelly.

Heart attack, aisle 9.

New window.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Parasytic Handguide for Successful Employment

Don’t get complacent while working around power equipment. Practice and abide by all safety procedures. Ensure all proper guards are in place. Are you wearing your proper PPE? Have you verified that all of your buttons are buttoned, zippers zipped, that your hair is pulled back in a ponytail or tucked adequately up into your cap? Are you wearing your safety glasses, steel toe work shoes?

(see examples of job related disaster below)

I. A cold slab tickle drains the fat deposits of a motormouthed twin with no feet, no tongue, no hands to speak of; but lying safe in the humerus, below the clavicle of a forced habit. No one could really explain why a torso didn't accompany the arm, why an unborn twin wasn't described in the course outline for Basic Cadaver Anatomy @ Bastyr University, why the head had only half a smile- twisted and faded behind the cameo pink shield of the brachialis. But one student in the back of the class heard electric organs playing in his 3rd eye- when they sliced that fucker open.

II. Industrial ave maria bubbles pump from the vintage alpines in his chest. rapture, uncomplicated by context, circumcised of its gag reflex. pure as the calcified skin casket being spread to reveal its soft by sharp metal fingers. its developing vascular system, a mound of neon spider webs, old man frail but baby sweet. bulging like a bloated conscience - exposed for its gelatin - congealed electricity. a ball of unfinished organs frozen in a sudden death that redefines life. recognition creeps over the cyclops and he pats his right forearm as the camera pierces brown, pink, red then finally bone to a hand, no larger than his pinky nail, returning the hi five.

III. A story he’d heard at a party over the weekend. An Afghani goat herder, once a year would come down the mountain pass and sell his goats in a populated market square. The villagers called him, “The Pregnant Man” because he was so fat. When the Pregnant Man came down this time, American doctors were in the village helping the sick. They saw the bulge at his midsection and thought it was a cancerous tumor. Cutting it open, they found the remains of his stillborn twin brother inside of a pouch in the abdomen. Hair and nails and underdeveloped teeth.


Have you checked to make sure that you don’t have any remnants of your own twin sibling living inside of that arm that is being removed at this moment by these bumbling surgeons?

Now comes out the saw. Watch gently as they cut off your own arm. Look how easy it comes off. Like trimming the hedges out by the curb. It's gotta be done.

Pretend that it’s just Step One in a two part procedure.

Step Two, happens after the limb is lopped off and cauterized.

They pass the mangled arm like a hot potato to the nearest nurse who carries it out of the operating room and down the hall, chunks of viscera plopping on the floor like spaghetti with meat sauce. The surgeons keep an alligator as a pet in a room deep in the bowels of the hospital. They feed it severed limbs and sometimes people who have gotten too rowdy in the ER waiting area during an overcrowded holiday weekend.

Whistling, another nurse opens a tall grey cabinet, retrieves a robotic arm.

The surgeons wire the new arm into the central nervous system as if it’s as simple as hooking up a car stereo. A few simple connections.

Then, the wounded flesh between the new mechanical limb and the old torn flesh is wrapped in gauze and the patient is woken up and told very sternly, “Your new bionic arm must be looked after very closely. There is a chance for infection. No swimming in the pool and no trips to the beach for at least two weeks. Apply ample Neosporin. Change the bandages daily. No arm wrestling... That's now considered a federal offense for you.”

*written during SHARKWEEK by: Aurora Killpoet, Bud Smith & Frankie Metro.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

this happened after i consumed a grover/metro blend spider leg

Walk Walk the Walkin’
by: Tim Murray

(written in one or two breaths as far as I can recall)

Lash sorta way the fizz I am the fizz an amazing fizz made of made of matter in the making of matter I am heaven just as sure as you are moss in the rain and I am I am not a giant I am not a giant I am the son of willie mccovey I am armed with spiders I am armed with san diego padres I am made of batter soil licker like my seed when sprouts does grow yeah real heavy ass like donkey mule mike stand in the way stand in the rain because I saw the spider ship arriving I am not the electromagnetic super wave I am here I am stain I am Wayne made of macaroni in knee high rubber boots spools whale dolphin their way through seared spikes I am the army I am Stan I am the man stop

Wish way you walk in the oven no in that onion stupid with shops paddles making lions I am made of umbrella stems I am dancing in the red rivers no wait not rivers but emergence emergency ball lines no base lines no bass lines emerging now from beneath the spiral stack I am dizzy von trout I am visiting soylent green I am Sunday I am rising I am la raza I am not I am knot I am dough bread rising I am fork and tongue and spiral and turducken waste walls and wash the magnetic pessimism we wait on rock ledge ledge legend and they walk and they talk and I am in the next dimension no I am waiting for the emergence of the next dimension when I am el fuero I am the neck I am the legion of spiders crawling across the floor of the desert they know hello I am beard I am the beginning I am the begging epic I am not now I am here forever I am made in season I am cake in the yakking season will you now allow the destruction of period of pernod of prenodal of pain attention paid attention I am broad I am spectrum real fine shit you got here Frankie like Jackie Gleason fine as some wine fine as some Reese’s same as the sun burn bulb write I am beginning I am begging for a way to extract bacon taken home rise a bone lanky dance sweaty blonder hair hooked over the eye I hear a children cry that wail no drums now blade now broken I keep wanting to spell nonsense words but I get tired of the computer screen red squiggly line mines is not your best one they are Vermillion they are Sliger they are bitten to how do you feel when the bride is all over the wall slight pause under the trance of Les Bres In A Minor I am the bent I am the taken over freight train freight car each one is to blame for the radio static coming over ten cars one hop afraid they will spoke they well spoke of him the daily city bus beneath Canal Street Chicago in the mud I am vast as river I am paddle boat I am bent spoke like smoke rising in the way are there so many itches in my scalp when I get to gel a pell mell over night hell because he sniffs coke and other soda pop she is the dragon love you like a lizard I am blue I am oriole I am Oreo I am Tang I was made to smoke a giant mountain slope will hide the dead man’s goat will you try to be a bitter dry poison water well wail pinpoint the holy grail beneath your index finger nail I am spoons I am spoiled I am water legs I am Mel Torme I am a way to be awake a choice a nervous knee nervous me

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Fetus Soup in China

Perhaps the most disturbing thing eaten in China is a soup made from discarded fetuses, taken from abortion clinics.

It is believed that eating this dish will give one superhuman power.

Fetus soup is extremely rare, expensive, and difficult to find, but it is available, if you know the right person.