Friday, January 15, 2016

Going to Singapore



"Going to Singapore" by Newamba Flamingo


"Singapore... yeah... was there back in 06. Great nightlife."
"Really? Wouldn't have thought that. Says here on the embarkation card something about death for drug traffickers."
"But they don't kill you for drinking."
"I can't drink anymore for a while. I got oral lichen planus."
"Oral what?"
"Don't ask."
"If you can't drink, at least you can go banging hookers. Prostitution is legal there."
"Yeah?"
"Don't litter, or spit on the street, though. They'll cane you for that."
"Cane you?"
"Yeah, it's a common punishment there. They strip you naked, throw you into this thick body suit with a hole in it where your bare ass hangs out, and they string you up and whack your ass with a cane. Whack your ass tomato red, 'til it bleeds..."
"Damn."
"But they don't usually cane you if they sentence you to death."
"I guess that's compassionate."
"But they do do it for stuff like spitting on the street or littering."
"Streets there must be clean."
"Sure are."
"Think they cane you for spitting on a hooker?"
"I don't know."
"They cane you for all sorts of things, even for overstaying your visa..."
"Really?"
"Yup, but only if it's a couple months or more. I mean, if you miss your flight or something, they won't pull you into some room in the airport, and, you know..."
"Sure is an incentive to not miss your flight, however."
"..."
"You know a lot about Singapore."
"I go on Wikipedia sometimes."
"Think they'd cane Westerners? Like, Americans?"
"They would and do. You're probably too young to remember, but they did it to some American kid back in 94 or 95, for throwing eggs at cars, I think. Michael Fay, Ray or Day, the poor bastard's name was. Beat his ass pretty good."
"For real?"
"Sure did, a lot of people in America were up in arms about it too, on CNN and talk shows, crying about it, but I remember my old man was saying how they oughta do that here to these young punks..."
"Think that'd be a deterant? I could see idiots all bragging about it, like they do about going to prison. Like Lil Wayne taking out his naked ass in music videos, pointing at it, showing off his scars, like it's gangsta."
"Who's Little Wayne?"
"You don't know who that is?"
"Nah, I must be getting old. That's a sure sign you're getting old, when you don't know who Little Wayne is."
"Actually it's Lil Wayne."
"Lil?"
"Lil."
"Whatever."


"Just seems sorta demeaning to be known as 'little' something or another."
"Chris Rock calls him a retarded midget."
"I know Chris Rock. I like Chris Rock."
"Is he really retarded, this Little Wayne?"
"I'm not sure. He is quite short."
"Still, if you're a kid and they call you 'little' whatever, I guess it's alright, but if you're fifty, would you still want people calling you that?"
"I wonder that about 'Young Jeezy' too."
"'Young Jeezy?' For Christ's sake..."
"I don't know if Lil Wayne or Young Jeezy will make it to fifty. They'll probably get smoked by some hater. Rappers get shot all the time."
"Smoked by a hater?"
"Never mind."
"..."
"Hey, scope the tail on that flight attendant there, the tallish one, with all the makeup."
"That is a sweet yellow ass right there."
"Asian women are just beautiful."
"You catch that yellow fever if you're out here long enough."
"Oh, I already got it."
"And there's no going back from it either. I can't even get an erection for other ethnicities."
"Walking Viagra, these women."
"Never understood the yellow fever, until I came out here."
"It's something serious. They should pass out pamphlets about it when you apply for visas."
"What I wouldn't give to grab that ass..."
"I hear guys grab flight attendant ass a lot on flights out of Hong Kong."
"But we're in Singaporean airspace now, on a Singaporean airline, so you wouldn't get away with it... I bet they'd cane you."
"An ass like that might be worth it."
"Nah, in all seriousness, I'd never do that, molest a woman against her will. I only molest consensually."
"Can one molest consensually?"
"I can and do. Non-consensual molesters deserve to be caned."
"And getting caned on the ass, for grabbing an ass, talk about the irony."
"Look, that's what being a man is all about, being able to hide and suppress your perversions."
"I guess that's what separates us from the animals on all fours."
"That's right. Much more so than anything else."

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Wasted Lanza



"Wasted Lanza"
by Newamba Flamingo

This is The The
The Right click
The selfie stick stabbing attack
The shark fin soup drone wars
Clone wars, 4Chan, and 2Chainz
jerkoffs in chickensuits
Lanzas in Lambos
Cosby Kid Congressmen in suicide vests

This is broken air conditioner hepatitis at the Jerusalem Central Bus Station

This is Merry Christmases,
Molotov cocktails and mad moneychangers
Biological warfare and verbal attacks,
Atarax, anthrax, and Alcatraz
Bill O'Reilly sandpaper handjobs
Cultural Revolutions and Son of Sam customer support tech hotlines
CLICK CLICK CLICK

This
is for a single world currency

This is 44 Chinese tourists in a bus crash

This is for those spitting in Singapore
For the Taj Mahal Terrorists
For The Massage Parlor Taliban
For Palestinians in parachutes
For pocket pussy packing puke peddlers

This is military tribunals of fascist hot yoga

This is covenient noodles
Arcade Fires in casinos
Boat people in Australian prisons
penises and microwaves
Donald Trump, Dick Army, and Goofy

Tony Abbot in a plane crash

This is the side effect
The commercial and vague silhouette
(A silhouette's silhouette)
A shadow, really
Of the decapitated witchdoctor
The TV in the TV
Is warning and enticing you about

This is the Islamic State Football team
The victory whip Nene dance
The ice bucket showers
The anti armchair anti activist
The Hacktivists
Backpackers in Thai jails
Public floggings, blood clots, and podcasts
MP3.com, illegal downloads, and Silk Roads
Broken guitar strings, fantasy football, and cellulite
The Dark Web, East Coast Rapists and Lawrence Phillips' cellmates

This is for Tom Cruise Control Syndrome and Bloodhound Gang collaborations with handpicapped cellists who've been abusing Oxycontinin

This is deprogrammed cult members learning sign language in segrated bathrooms

This is for Dimebag and Selena
The red tide in Corpus Christi
White Terror and White Privilege
For diabetes in Dallas and Jerry Jonestown CTE
For Lifetime Movies, dead cheerleaders and the curse of Lil B

This is for the BBC and its panda panderings

This is for Bitches in Bangkok
Bitches in Burma
Bitches in Burkas
Bitches bombing peace rallys
rats and asshats
The French in Montana
The Whipping ass, the shaven ass,
The razor blade in the Notre Dame
The dildo tootbrush,
sugar cane demons
Cavities
Disco levitations
Palpitations
Telephone lesions
Lil Wayne $eizure$
The Ol Dirty Bastard and a bucket of koala juice
Vitamin P, protexia
Paul Ryan shooting lions
Zimbabwe Mugabe mad at the gas car

Daddy
don't touch me there

This is for car accident videos on YouTube

This is Hillary's Hillary
Hillary Clinton's lost email
To Nigeria's Prince of Benghazi:
He who walks the dead
He who got a hyena on a leash
He who saw Kourtney shoot Kurt
He who uploads child porn,
Aids and a Lil Kimchi

This is the pizza face
The pill popper in high Def Leppards
The killer jigsaw, Book of Mormon
The Big Jesus fannypack
The bag of used toilet paper

This is for Uber Satanists and Daniel Snyder's chainsaw impression of cancer

This is for unhatched murder plots and online dating profiles

This is acid trips in braille
Throwing shade, Like:
Barack Hussein Obama, Yo Mama, and Isiah Rider
in batsuits
In the heat of the night
They hold hands, then form a human pyramid
climb in my window
Steal my guns
From under the Xanax tree
They put on my KKK pajamas
Hi ho hi ho
A mass shooting at the NRA rally

This is for Comedians in comas
Who done smoked the PCPeace
Liar liar Richard Pryor ass on fire
The Stuttering Chinese Waiter
Done Iran out in the street
Got his self ran over by a speeding ambulance
WHEEEEEEE AAAAAHHHHHH WHEEEEE AHHHHHHH
Ironic like man
A mass shooting at the hospital

And a car bomb in a pear tree

This is for the Phone Booth Exorcist
Moves like Jagger
Grooves like Jimmy Swaggert
He still got a pager
He still got a Jerry Springer show
And a jerrycurl face tattoo of the Dali Lama

This is for Rick Ross on rollerskates
pistol whipping Mahatma Ghandi

This is for Justice like Crocodile Dunblane
in a 9/11 conspiracy theory minstrel show

This is the Jewish Uncle with a combover
Dressed like a 1980s hip hop crack dealer
Singing name games, foaming at the mouth
Convulsing, spreading the Sandyhoax gospel
Jumping up and dancing on hostile Thanksgiving dinner tables
yada, yada, yada
Stabbing grandma in her face with the carving knife

This is for the Pope's car jack blessings
Practicing random acts of violence
Vatican readings of internet incest stories

This is snake skin condoms
New Children's Crusades
Golden brass knuckle ring rings
Ronald Reagans in surgical masks
street pimp palm readers
One Cent limphobia:
He be plotting a mass shooting attack on a maternity ward
He be taking photos of people taking photos of tornados
99 Cent limphobia:
He be wanting to do a mass shooting
On a abortion clinic
On, the irony
A mass shooting attack on a abortion clinic, he say he say

And a car bomb at a funeral

Let's break the unicycle...

This is the Ouija board app for your smart phone and tablet

This is the Heavy Metal pedophile Super Bowl ring
It's a Tom Brady bunch of alien spy gates
It's Jenner in Thailand
It's nothing medieval
It ain't life on Bruno Mars

This is for Facebook addicts, herpes, and palm trees
The Dawn of the Dead, poets with speech impediments,
Robin Williams' cryo-preserved corpse duct-taped to a glass ceiling

OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN

This is for 1997
All those shoes
Those new running shoes
Those fresh ass Nikes
That mansion in San Diego
Waiting for the comet
Hale the Big Bopper
Waiting out the interstellar plane crash
Waiting out the recycling event
Had a Tweeter then
It'd been trending

This is for no1MDB