"Green Bandit" on the loose, snatching and launching cellphones into street traffic
By Cuntumelious, for Meth Lab News
02:20 ET, 01/30/2020
FRED CITY, FUCKSTATE: There have been numerous reports of a tiny man, around 5’0 tall and of sleight frame, wearing a neon green spandex jumpsuit, running through city streets and snatching cellphones away from those walking while texting.
After grabbing the phones, the man stops and hurls the devices into traffic, and then laughs hysterically while dashing off.
Panicked pedestrians, in a quandary, are often unsure of whether to go after the man or chase after their phones. Most have cursed, yelled at the man and then pursued their phone.
The man is described as having a cannon of an arm, able to throw the phones upwards of perhaps 70 to 80 yards, usually in a discus motion. He is also lightning quick, running nearly as fast as a cheetah.
Furthermore, the “Green Phone Bandit,” as he has been dubbed, is fleet on his feet, utilizing a variety of stiff-arms, juke moves, and hurling techniques to evade capture.
In addition, witnesses report his spandex suit to be covered in a greasy substance, rendering it difficult for passersby, good Samaritans to apprehend him.
One security guard attempting to tackle him stumbled, slipped and headbutted a parking meter. The parking meter was unharmed.
The bandit has been apparently targeting Apple Stores and Starbucks. The majority of his attacks have taken place within the vicinity of such establishments.
Witnesses report that the phone snatcher is a ginger, wears Reebok Pumps and has the word “think” in multiple languages scrawled in black ink all over his tight-fitting clothes.
One witness reported the Green Bandit had emerged from a manhole. Several witnesses reported him kicking open the trunks of parked cars, bursting out screaming gibberish. All of the cars involved had Theranos stickers on their passenger side windows.
It’s not known at this time if the phone smasher has any association with the company.
FRED City Police are investigating but don’t seem to care. If you have any information about the Green Bandit, or if you are the Green Bandit, you can basically just go fuck yourself.
