Unassociated Press- Tues June 8, 2032 12:37pm ET
Los Angeles, California- Former teen pop superstar Justin Bieber was arrested yesterday afternoon on Vine Street in Hollywood after allegedly parachuting naked from a flying car while smoking crack, using nunchucks to attack several innocent bystanders, and performing a sex act on himself in public.
Horrified onlookers report seeing Bieber, 38, who’s recently become morbidly obese and has tattoos from rival violent Mexican street gangs all over his face, parachute down from the sky, smoking a crack pipe, and babbling in gibberish.
He is purported to have then pulled out a pair of nunchucks from his parachute pack, flung the nunchucks around, and used them to viciously strike at random pedestrians.
According to eyewitness Jethro Smothers, a tourist from Alabama, “Most people were able to get away from him, because he was too darn slow and couldn’t twirl them nunchucks too good, but he did manage to wack a couple folks upside the head, ‘specially them Japanese tourists who was taking pictures of him.”
The worst recipient of Bieber’s alleged nunchuck rampage was a 65 year old wheelchair-bound nun from Guatemala, who was taking part in a food drive for former Facebook employees when Bieber is said to have coolly moonwalked up behind her, dumped her from her wheelchair, and stuck her in the buttocks several times.
Recalled one teary eyed witness who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “She didn’t even see him coming. After he threw her to the ground, he just kept hitting her in the rear, over and over. No one knew what to do. A priest nearby was saying something about him probably being possessed by the devil and tried yelling Psalms from his Kindle Reader Bible at him. But that didn’t work. I swear I saw Justin Bieber flash vampire fangs at the priest and the priest ran away pulling out his own hair and screaming.”
After savagely beating the nun, Bieber is said to have ripped off her habit and put it on his own head.
Witnesses say that at this point his mouth was moving at a different speed than his gibberish speech, like a 1970’s Kung Fu movie.
He was then chased by an angry mob into a local supermarket, where he is reported to have jumped up onto a checkout counter, defecated explosive diarrhea at a bag boy, and anally penetrated himself with the nunchucks while singing his 2010 hit “Baby.”
Shortly thereafter he was apprehended by sheriff’s deputies, arrested, and booked into LA County Jail.
This isn’t Bieber’s first brush with the law. Just last year he was given probation and community service after being convicted of breaking into a Las Vegas Llama farm, spray painting the Llamas with pentagrams, and sodomizing one of the animals. Bieber has steadfastly denied spray painting the pentagrams.
Four years ago he was found innocent of carjacking a large truck full of live chickens and letting the chickens loose on I-95 near West Palm Beach, Florida during rush hour.
Bieber’s career took a nosedive in 2013 when he underwent sex change surgery and attempted to perform under the moniker “Diva Justina,” a faux Latina, Brazilian type persona with a penchant for sequined leotards, tightrope walking, and spontaneous outbursts of tap dancing.
Bieber later had a reverse sex change operation and is reported to have blown the entirety of his earnings on purchasing Michael Jackson’s cryogenically frozen penis and having it attached to his own body.
Following his reverse sex change operation, Bieber has been spotted all around the globe, for a time as a Hare Krishna in airports throughout the Midwest, briefly hosting a late night psychic hotline infomercial in New Zealand, and often appearing at mass trampoline jumping demonstrations both for and against the Quebec sovereignty movement.
Most recently he has been performing in Las Vegas as an occasional opening act to the Insane Clown Posse.
(Bieber during a recent performance in Las Vegas. UAP)
Bieber is currently being held on $250,000 bond and could face up to five years in prison if convicted on all counts. He also faces additional charges for violating his probation. His next court date is set for Friday.
