"The Karen and Axl Rose" by Kim Cancer

A short story about aging, rock n' roll, Axl Rose, Bangkok, and the pursuit of happiness...

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Going to Singapore

"Going to Singapore" by Newamba Flamingo

"Singapore... yeah... was there back in 06. Great nightlife."
"Really? Wouldn't have thought that. Says here on the embarkation card something about death for drug traffickers."
"But they don't kill you for drinking."
"I can't drink anymore for a while. I got oral lichen planus."
"Oral what?"
"Don't ask."
"If you can't drink, at least you can go banging hookers. Prostitution is legal there."
"Yeah?"
"Don't litter, or spit on the street, though. They'll cane you for that."
"Cane you?"
"Yeah, it's a common punishment there. They strip you naked, throw you into this thick body suit with a hole in it where your bare ass hangs out, and they string you up and whack your ass with a cane. Whack your ass tomato red, 'til it bleeds..."
"Damn."
"But they don't usually cane you if they sentence you to death."
"I guess that's compassionate."
"But they do do it for stuff like spitting on the street or littering."
"Streets there must be clean."
"Sure are."
"Think they cane you for spitting on a hooker?"
"I don't know."
"They cane you for all sorts of things, even for overstaying your visa..."
"Really?"
"Yup, but only if it's a couple months or more. I mean, if you miss your flight or something, they won't pull you into some room in the airport, and, you know..."
"Sure is an incentive to not miss your flight, however."
"..."
"You know a lot about Singapore."
"I go on Wikipedia sometimes."
"Think they'd cane Westerners? Like, Americans?"
"They would and do. You're probably too young to remember, but they did it to some American kid back in 94 or 95, for throwing eggs at cars, I think. Michael Fay, Ray or Day, the poor bastard's name was. Beat his ass pretty good."
"For real?"
"Sure did, a lot of people in America were up in arms about it too, on CNN and talk shows, crying about it, but I remember my old man was saying how they oughta do that here to these young punks..."
"Think that'd be a deterant? I could see idiots all bragging about it, like they do about going to prison. Like Lil Wayne taking out his naked ass in music videos, pointing at it, showing off his scars, like it's gangsta."
"Who's Little Wayne?"
"You don't know who that is?"
"Nah, I must be getting old. That's a sure sign you're getting old, when you don't know who Little Wayne is."
"Actually it's Lil Wayne."
"Lil?"
"Lil."
"Whatever."

"Just seems sorta demeaning to be known as 'little' something or another."
"Chris Rock calls him a retarded midget."
"I know Chris Rock. I like Chris Rock."
"Is he really retarded, this Little Wayne?"
"I'm not sure. He is quite short."
"Still, if you're a kid and they call you 'little' whatever, I guess it's alright, but if you're fifty, would you still want people calling you that?"
"I wonder that about 'Young Jeezy' too."
"'Young Jeezy?' For Christ's sake..."
"I don't know if Lil Wayne or Young Jeezy will make it to fifty. They'll probably get smoked by some hater. Rappers get shot all the time."
"Smoked by a hater?"
"Never mind."
"..."
"Hey, scope the tail on that flight attendant there, the tallish one, with all the makeup."
"That is a sweet yellow ass right there."
"Asian women are just beautiful."
"You catch that yellow fever if you're out here long enough."
"Oh, I already got it."
"And there's no going back from it either. I can't even get an erection for other ethnicities."
"Walking Viagra, these women."
"Never understood the yellow fever, until I came out here."
"It's something serious. They should pass out pamphlets about it when you apply for visas."
"What I wouldn't give to grab that ass..."
"I hear guys grab flight attendant ass a lot on flights out of Hong Kong."
"But we're in Singaporean airspace now, on a Singaporean airline, so you wouldn't get away with it... I bet they'd cane you."
"An ass like that might be worth it."
"Nah, in all seriousness, I'd never do that, molest a woman against her will. I only molest consensually."
"Can one molest consensually?"
"I can and do. Non-consensual molesters deserve to be caned."
"And getting caned on the ass, for grabbing an ass, talk about the irony."
"Look, that's what being a man is all about, being able to hide and suppress your perversions."
"I guess that's what separates us from the animals on all fours."
"That's right. Much more so than anything else."

Fine Minds Fucked Here for a Quarter

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