Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Great American Novel



"The Great American Novel" by Newamba Flamingo


I want to spend the next ten years writing the great American novel

and when I send it out to publishers
every single one will reject it
all with form rejection letters
instead of the sardonic
and/or personal criticism I'd prefer

I want to write the great American novel

and self-publish it online
to a password protected site
only I can see

I want to write the great American novel

and let my only friend read it
and she'll tell me how it would make a wonderful screenplay

The Rejected Writer


“The Rejected Writer” by Newamba Flamingo

Miles Chester’s stories and poems had been rejected by all the small press magazines he read. And every single response, every single rejection letter was a form letter. Never once did he get a personal response from the masses of editors he'd sent his work.

And why not? His cover letters were personal. He'd praise the magazine, mention specific pieces, writers he enjoyed. He'd address the editors by name and even request feedback. But none ever came. Always it was the same form letters. Over and over again.

Following each rejection, he'd drink vodka to dull the pain. Sometimes he'd snort bath salts and sit alone in his ground floor studio apartment, on the mattress on the floor, watching infomercials all night and listening to his next door neighbors, that young Mexican couple with the crying baby, scream and curse at each other in Spanish.

Rejections and noisy neighbors aside, Miles often had trouble sleeping at night. He'd stay awake, lying in bed, dreading waking up in the morning to go to his job at the call center, where his bosses timed his toilet breaks and he had to repeat the same scripted greetings and responses to the angry voices in his headset.

Miles was happiest when he was writing. And when he was writing, he was writing. He'd slave over his compositions tirelessly, in front of his computer screen, until the small hours, editing and inspecting every last word. Then he'd fire off submissions to as many places as he could and hope that maybe, just maybe, he'd get finally get published and earn his big break.

But the end results were always the same. Form rejection after form rejection. And the more and more he got, the more disillusioned he became. His dreams of being the next John Cheever, Chuck Palahniuk or Raymond Carver dissipated further with each letter.

Little by little, he started to hate all the magazines he previously liked. The cute authors with their sharp wit and incomprehensible allegory! Their stupid little stories nobody other than a pompous critic could enjoy! And those oh-so clever poets and their overly metaphorical poems that no one ever really understood but somehow found so brilliant...

After receiving four form letter rejections in one day, Miles stood naked in front of his mirror that night, tears streaming down his face, and his hatred toward the small press boiled into full blown rage.

His body began to shake as he thought about the dictionary abuse by some of these writers, especially the “clever” poets. Like how many people actually use words like “mellifluous” anyway?

Damn them and damn their narcissistic diatribes! What good was poetry and stories that made no sense!? It suddenly dawned on him that most of the bullshit he had read in small press magazines was merely smug attempts by worthless authors at making themselves look smart.

Damn them! Miles thought, slapping his bathroom mirror lightly. What about his genius? Why shouldn’t he be heard? Why was it that everyone else gets published? Damn them! Damn them all, Miles thought, as he slapped at his bathroom mirror harder and harder...

Damn them all with their academic, look at how great I am writing! Damn their worthless Pushcart nominations! Damn every writer and his or her pithy bio and those annoying lists of places they've been published! What a bunch of phonies! No wonder it’s the “small” press! No wonder nobody reads these magazines! They all suck!

Miles then realized he’d been now punching his bathroom mirror and that his right fist was covered in bloody glass shards.

Miles saw himself hyperventilating in the shattered mirror and decided it was time to exact revenge and concurrently move beyond the incestuous small press world and really get himself noticed.

He’d recently read online about a convention, a gathering of the small press, that'd be happening in a couple weeks, only an hour away from where he lived. There, nearly every editor from every magazine that'd rejected him would be in attendance. What's more, their pictures and names were up on the website.

His plan began to materialize. He would visit the convention, with an M16, and shoot as many people as possible and then himself. But beforehand, he'd send a compilation of his writings to news agencies, big magazines, publishing houses, and popular blogs. Finally, after completing his mission, he'd be heard!

It wasn't the first time he'd plotted a killing spree. He'd done so in high school, inspired by Columbine. He’d thought up a similar attack against the jocks who'd terrorized him and his friends, but his friend who'd planned it with him chickened out, so they didn't go through with it...

Miles always had a fixation on spree killers. Sometimes he didn't agree with their motives, but he respected their courage and how they were able to make themselves heard. When he wasn’t writing, he’d usually be spending hours online researching mass killings.

He particularly admired those who’d been able to kill more than 20. Anything under 20 kills he often wasn’t too impressed by, except for Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, due to their teamwork, charisma and meticulous planning. (He’d even signed an online petition demanding “the basement tapes” immediate public release…)

Though he didn’t care much for racists or politically motivated rampage killers like Baruch Goldstein, Dylann Roof, or Nidal Malik Hasan, probably his all-time favorite spree killer was Anders Breivik, due to his 77 kills, and use of both guns and explosives.

At number two was Seung Hui Cho for his high kill count and how badass it was that he’d chain-locked the exit doors to prevent “those spoiled brats'” escape, and that he’d sent an awesome video manifesto to the media, which Miles had watched over 100 times on YouTube.

He also quite liked Adam Lanza and felt Lanza didn’t get the respect he deserved among mass killers. Lanza was a writer and a student of mass killings, even editing Wikipedia pages and keeping a massive mass killer spreadsheet. Miles admired that and admired Lanza’s choice of targeting an elementary school, knowing it’d generate more press.

Rounding out his top ten were Martin Bryant, the perpetrator of the Port Arthur massacre; George Hennard of the Luby’s Cafeteria massacre; James Huberty of the McDonald’s massacre (enjoy your Happy Meal, motherfuckers! he’d always think while watching news footage of that one); the “DC Snipers” John Allen Muhamad and Lee Boyd Malvo; Woo Bum-kon, the kooky South Korean policeman; and Charles Whitman of the University of Texas shootings.

He also kinda liked T.J. Lane for his antics in the courtroom, especially the riff to his victims’ families about jerking off with the hand that killed their sons. What a laugh riot! And he loved Jiverly Wong's confession letter: "I am Jiverly Wong shooting the people..." That always cracked him up. He gave Robert Hawkins style points, too, even though he'd only killed 8 people...

Miles decided their way of making history would be his way. So he went to the gun store and bought a fully automatic assault rifle and plenty of ammo. Then he went to the army surplus store and bought some combat boots and fatigues.

When he got home, he found the movie "Taxi Driver" playing on cable. After watching it, he took a piss and stared into his reflection in the bends of his bloodied, shattered bathroom mirror and decided to shave his head into a mohawk, like the movie's protagonist, Travis Bickle.

Then he listened to Pantera's "Vulgar Display of Power" on his phone and tried to sleep, but couldn't, so he read "Catcher in the Rye" and thought about Mark David Chapman and wrote a quick poem about how Chapman should have shot Yoko, too, and sent the poem off as a submission to "Poetry Magazine", "The New York Quarterly", the "New Yorker" and even Yoko's publicist just for shits and giggles.

The next day Miles quit his job and spent the couple weeks before the convention preparing, putting together manuscripts of his writing, doing push-ups in his apartment and target practice at a local shooting range.

He repeated his routine of watching "Taxi Driver", listening to Pantera, and reading "Catcher in the Rye" every night. Every night he'd also write a poem about a different spree killer.

Finally the big day came. He was so amped up the night before that he only slept for an hour or so and when he woke up, he had a touch of vertigo, but, while taking his morning shower, he felt a tranquility and sense of calm he’d never had before.

After dressing up in his army fatigues, he grabbed his supplies, and headed out the door. Before getting into his car, he put on a pair of aviator sunglasses and dropped several packages of manuscripts into a mailbox.

He peeled out of his building's parking lot and drove to the convention. On the way there, he maintained the speed limit, listened to Pantera, and thought excitedly about how a movie might be made about him and his writings and wondered which directors and actors would be involved.

The convention was to be held at a hotel downtown. But when he arrived to the hotel lobby, carrying a duffel bag, the young lady at the reception desk eyed him curiously.

She asked him if she could help him and he asked her where the convention was. She warily pointed him to a conference room down the hall. Without responding to her, he turned and began to walk in its direction.

As he neared the room, he noticed there were only middle aged men hanging around outside the conference room's doors. They all had on three piece suits and a lot of them had slicked back hair. None of them looked like writers or the pictures of editors he saw on the website.

As he drew closer, a couple of the middle aged men went inside and, from behind where they'd been standing, he saw a sign that read: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad.”

Dejected, he thought for a second of carrying out his plan, going in there and opening fire, but he decided against it. Instead, he went back to his car and drove home.

When he got home, he logged onto the Internet and tried to check the convention page, but when he typed the address, all it brought up was a blank window, containing an Error 404 “Page Not Found” message.

Monday, October 5, 2015

The Warlock who STOLE my SOUL


“The Warlock who STOLE my SOUL” by Newamba Flamingo

The TV in my bedroom suddenly came on around 3AM. I’d been asleep. It’d woken me up.

I wiped my eyes, sat up in bed, and on the screen I saw the warlock. He was hanging upside down from the leg of a flying helicopter and told me telepathically that he’d decided to steal my soul. Then the TV flicked off.

I went back to sleep, thinking it was probably just a dream. But when I woke up, everything seemed askew.

First off, the walls in my apartment were painted hot pink, instead of the white they’d been before. And all the furniture was in different places.

And, as I stepped into the kitchen, all the pots and pans and dishes were scattered about, lying everywhere, like someone’d thrown them around.

I flicked on the coffee maker, the one possessed by the ghost of Charles Bukowski, and instead of brewing my coffee, it just made a hacking, wheezing sound and shut off.

Opening my refrigerator, one of the handguns I keep in there rang like a cell phone. I picked it up, stuck the barrel to my ear and answered. It was the warlock.

“Stole your soul, bitch!!” he taunted.

Politely I asked if I could have it back. But the warlock dodged the question entirely and went on to tell me that he was writing a musical about the Italian mafia. He said how it would star current and former mobsters, dancing and singing, and that it would be performed in public places, spontaneously, rather than in theaters.

I again asked if I could have my soul back. Sounding frustrated, he sighed and told me to come down to the art gallery, if I really wanted it. Then he hung up.

I put on a leotard, cowboy boots and hat and stole the rabbi next door’s pet ostrich and rode it down to the art gallery. When I got there, I tied the ostrich to a parking meter and saw Snooki and The Situation from that show “Jersey Shore” standing outside.

They had handheld video cameras and were shoving them into random people’s faces, shouting expletives, and making jokes about car bombs.

I ran past them, into the gallery. Inside was a narrow corridor that led to a dark, cavernous room.

In the room were a group of Sikhs, in turbans, sitting in a circle around a smart phone, which dangled by a USB cable from the ceiling. On the smart phone’s screen was looped video of masked terrorists on monkey bars and headless obese people on American streets. The Sikhs were humming some sort of mantra and staring at the phone’s screen.

Then my cell phone vibrated. It was a text from the warlock, asking: “Find it yet?”

“No” I typed back.

“Come to Dr. Walker’s office. It’s down the block.” He replied.

So I left the gallery. On my way out I saw Snooki and The Situation, lying dead on the sidewalk, bloody gunshot wounds pockmarking their bodies.

A man dressed as Ronald McDonald stood over them, thrusting his pelvis and filming the corpses with a handheld camera.

We made eye contact and he put his finger to his lips and made a shushing sound.

I continued down the street and arrived at a public bathroom. On the men’s door was “Dr. Walker DDS” spray painted in red letters. I walked in and saw the warlock handcuffed to a urinal. A hairy chested man wearing only a surgical mask, flip flops, and hot pink miniskirt was probing the warlock’s mouth with a switchblade.

From somewhere in the background, I could hear Guns N Roses' “Mr. Brownstone” playing softly.

The miniskirt man turned to me, pulled down his surgical mask, hacked and spit out a tiny key. The man looked exactly like Chuck Norris. I think it was Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris asked me, in German, if I’d seen Godzilla, last time I was in Tokyo. I shook my head.

At this Chuck Norris was angered and yelled, still in German, how Godzilla must have been there, and how could I miss him, swatting down planes, stomping on yellow people, and kicking over buildings?

I continued to shake my head and Chuck Norris shook his head back at me, sardonically, and proceeded to carve a large inverted crucifix into his stomach with the switchblade, laughing as he did so.

A window in the corner then shattered and a bunch of Japanese schoolgirls climbed in through it and rushed into one of the stalls, carrying Happy Meals and giggling.

Chuck Norris broke wind, stuck his hands down his miniskirt, fished around his crotch with the switchblade, and sliced off his penis. Then he flung the penis out the broken window and went into the stall w/the Japanese schoolgirls, slammed the door shut and started banging on the closed door and shrieking.

I turned to the warlock. Blood streamed down his mouth, to his neck and chest. Breaking into tears, he asked me solemnly if I really wanted my soul back. I told him yes. He asked me to free him, and, picking up the key Chuck Norris had spit to the floor, I did.

The warlock wiped at his bloody mouth with his shirtsleeve and unzipped his fanny pack. From it, he produced a Ronald McDonald voodoo doll with a dead wasp scotch-taped to its face and extended the doll to me.

Then he bowed his head and whimpered: “He won’t leave me alone.”

The Skinhead



“The Skinhead” by Newamba Flamingo

Big Jim was a skinhead. I’m not sure if he was a racist, neo-nazi type skinhead, but he was a muscular white guy with a shaved head who always wore a bomber jacket and combat boots, so, at least to me and my friends, he was a skinhead.

Big Jim used to hang around our high school and fuck this freshman stoner chick. I don't know how old Big Jim was, but he was definitely a few years older than us.

My friend Eduardo, this skinny Mexican dude, had a crush on Big Jim's stoner chick. Whenever we’d get high, he’d always tell me how he wanted to smoke a joint while she rode his dick.

Eventually he got his chance to do just that. Over this three day weekend, at a small party at my house, while my parents were away, Eduardo showed up to my doorstep, drunk and alongside the stoner chick.

We three went up to my room and the stoner chick broke out a gigantic slab of hash and we all ripped bong hits off it. Around the third cycle of the bong, Eduardo and the stoner chick ripped off their clothes and started fucking, right in front of me, on my bed.

Now I'm sure I could have joined in, as I saw her eying me as they fucked. But I knew my friend had feelings for her, so I kept at bay and continued to smoke up on her hash.

The next day, my friend showed up to my house alone and told me how the stoner chick dumped him. How she all of a sudden didn't want to see him anymore.

He was hurt. I told him to forget about it, but he couldn't.

A few weeks later, there was this morning at school when a girl's purse went missing. Security searched everyone’s lockers, but it still didn’t turn up. An hour or so later someone left an anonymous post-it note on the stoner chick's desk saying: “I know you stole the purse, bitch!”

The stoner chick broke down crying, stormed out of class, and disappeared from school.

It was around lunchtime that she returned, riding shotgun in Big Jim’s car, and they drove slowly up to the parking lot across the street from school where we'd all eat and smoke cigarettes.

Pulling into the parking lot, she pointed Eduardo out to Big Jim and Big Jim parked and got out of his clunky late model Buick and strode straight up to him.

The two of them stared each other down. It looked like they were gonna fight. Which would have been bad for my friend, because Big Jim probably would have kicked the living shit out of him. But no punches were thrown.

After some initial posturing, Big Jim just started laughing and told my friend to forget about the whole thing. They shook hands and Big Jim invited Eduardo and me to come chill with him in the woods behind the parking lot and smoke some chronic shit he had.

Eduardo and I gladly accepted his offer and ditched afternoon classes to go with him. The stoner chick even joined us, too.

Big Jim smoked us all up and we laughed and talked and listened to Bob Marley on a boombox and had a good time. I thought everything was cool.

But afterward, at Eduardo’s house that evening, Eduardo started talking about how he wanted to kill Big Jim. He called up his cousin, a member of the Latin Kings street gang, and his cousin came over and they kicked around ideas of how to kill the “puto” as we smoked PCP and drank ghetto wine.

It turned out, though, that they'd never get the chance. About a week after the stare down and subsequent bong hit session, Big Jim got into an accident. A bad one.

He'd been taking acid and him and some friends went out “train surfing,” jumping down from bridges onto the roofs of trains and riding the trains to wherever.

Well, unfortunately for Big Jim, when he leaped down from a bridge, he didn't land on top of the train. Instead, he fell in between train carriages, and his left leg got caught in the machinery and ripped off his body.

Miraculously, he survived and was in the hospital for a while. A couple girls from our school visited him there and brought him coloring books and food.

However, the stoner chick didn’t join them. She didn’t even visit him in the hospital once. She stopped talking to him immediately after she’d heard the news.

I never saw Big Jim again. He didn’t come around our school anymore after his accident.

And Eduardo and his cousin, they never mentioned him again, either.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Interview with a Vampire


It’s New Year’s Eve.

The vampire and I sit in a smoky bar overlooking the Himalayas.

It’s colder inside than it is outside.

The vampire’s wearing only combat boots, an undershirt, and tightie whities. He’s got a Welsh Dragon tattooed on his muscular right deltoid.

He says he’s 43, but in the right lighting he looks mid-30s, even though both his fangs are chipped and his hairline is receding.

The vampire says he’s traveled to 85 countries and that he once fingered a Korean chick on a flight to Seoul.

He goes on about how his worst travel experience was getting giardia in Egypt and that he loves Cricket but hates American Football.

The vampire leans in closer to me, getting only two or so inches from my ear, then whispers over warm, gin soaked breath:

“The things people say when they’re mad or drunk, those are the things they really think. If you ever want to know what a person truly thinks about you, just get them mad or drunk.”

Then the vampire slugs down the rest of his drink, smashes his glass on the counter, spins around and punches me in the face.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

生活是一间酒店

Shēnghuó shì yī jiàn jiǔdiàn

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

RED SPLOOGE by Doc Sigerson (Part 3)



Part One

Part Two

He ventured next to a more upscale establishment, The Jasmine Touch.
Sippy was met upon entering by a fetching young Asian girl, her jet
black hair in a Louise Brooks cut, her slim figure sheathed in a red
cheongsam as warm with gold dragons stitched into the silk garment, its
thigh slit revealing a slender, yet shapely, leg. She gathered him by
the arm, led him down a hallway to a massage room where he undressed
and donned a white terry cloth bathrobe before heading to the steam
room. While taking the steam, Sippy enjoyed some hydration as the
girl brought him a pot of ginseng tea on a tray with a small bowl from
which to drink. He showered and dried. When he returned, the massage
room was filled with a subtle scent of lavender and the ambient
strains of Chinese music, more “new age” than authentic.

“You want banana or cherry?” asked the girl after the flipover.

“No understand,” said Sippy, hoping that she meant that Slurpees were
included in the amenities.

“Banana,” said the girl and she made a circle of her thumb and
forefinger, pumping them up and down in front of her mouth, a
pantomime of fellatio.

“Cherry,” said the girl and through the circle of her thumb and
forefinger she plunged in and out the forefinger of her other hand, a
pantomime of coitus.

“I would like both banana and cherry,” said Sippy. The girl smiled.
She slipped out of the dress. Sippy noted that she wore Hello Kitty
panties. There ought to be a joke somewhere in there, he thought.
Her dress and undies neatly stacked upon a chair in the corner, Lily
expertly wrangled his erection and lowering her face, placed her lips
ever so gingerly on the glans and then rolled down the condom that had
been hidden in her mouth so swiftly that his penis was enveloped
before he even realized what she had done. Then she set to work. She
moved up and down Sippy’s lower body, her breasts caressing his
thighs, as she tongued his shaft and finally began sucking him off
with real conviction.

“Ohhhhhhh, sweeeeeetheart,” moaned Sippy for the only thing he could
think of as the animal stormed and raged was the proverbial golf ball
through the garden hose. Crescendo. The condom shot forth like a
champagne cork.

“You asshole!” yelled the girl wiping the bright scarlet splooge from
her eyes, “[something in Mandarin]! Shit, shit shit! [something
derogatory in Mandarin]! You are disgusting! Oh, I must get this out
of my hair!
[something unspeakably vulgar in Mandarin]!”

Lily fled the room, sheathed in a very different red. On his way out,
Sippy snagged the abandoned Hello Kitty panties as a trophy.

* * *

Oh! He was crowing! Such victories he’d won which now he saw fit to disclose.

“Sippy,” I said. “You’ve really stepped over the line!”

“Doc, how can say that? Isn’t that what you do here all day long in
this dang card room? How many times have you boasted to me of all the
suckers you’d fleeced?”

“There’s a big difference,” I began, “between the sheep who come here
willingly, knowing in advance that there’s a damn good chance they’ll
lose their wad and those women who make their living providing a
service, doing honest work for an honest dollar. And I’ll tell you
something else, Sippy Cullen. These are women are mostly new to this
country and because they may not have sufficient English to call the
police, they are most vulnerable to predators. Predators like you,
Sip.”

“Oh, it’s not like that, Doc. I’m not doing any real harm.”

“You’re cheating them, Sip, pure and simple. And I’ll tell you
something else. Because they can’t rely on the police, they have
other ways of protecting themselves. Not always legal, not always
pretty. Get me?”

“Jiminy Christmas,” said Sippy, “You mean like ninjas or those Yakuza dudes?”

“Wrong culture but gangsters of some sort, usually dime-a-dozen
thick-necked goons with gaudy tattoos. Many of these places are
‘connected’ to shady organizations.”

“Really?” he said, quietly.

“Sippy, you have got to give up this game. It can only end badly for you.”

“Okay, Doc.” said Sippy, “I know you’re right.”

I had misgivings. Sippy Cullen had proven himself not always a
forthright fellow and there was something in his eyes that said that
the boy’s gotta have it.

* * *



Much like a gambler, Sippy knew his luck would have to run out sooner
or later and, as the animal seemed unsated, the urge to assail just
one more spa was so compelling that Sippy rationalized that another
outing would incur minimal risk, but no one could possibly have
foreseen the terrible exactions of his comeuppance. As it happened,
The Paradise Health Spa, nestled unassumingly between the Formosa Nail
salon and Poppa John’s Pizza would become his Waterloo. He was
greeted by a woman in a blue smock who introduced herself as Lily.

“Would you be interested in the four hand special?” she asked, “Most
beneficial for relaxing muscle and will promote healthful blood flow
through your body.”

“Four hands?” asked Sippy, “that mean two ladies?”

“Yes,” said Lily, “two therapists will perform deep tissue massage on
your body. This special would also include a table shower before the
massage”.

“I don’t know what that is,” said Sippy, “but I will give it a try.”

Sweeeeeeeeeeet! two-on-one and that’s a dream come through! he
thought, as, Cleo and a second woman in a pink smock, both protected
by clear plastic lab coats, lathered his body with rich suds and
rinsed using shower heads which extended from the wall just above his
body as he stretched out on a padded vinyl-covered table. They
scrubbed diligently every inch, literally, from head to sole, and if a
client entertained the notion that there were certain taboo locations
on the body which they would avoid, he would be mistaken. The two
attended the sensitive and secret places with unswerving zeal. Three
times they washed completely Ol’ Sippy who afterward felt exuberantly
tingly, freshly minted. Now the animal was revving up.

On the massage table the women plied with warmed lotion his back and
legs, their hands, petite yet applying steady pressure, crisscrossing
in a subtle choreography. He could not discern which hand belonged to
which woman and gradually he felt as though there must have been more
than two pairs of hands working him. This is really paradise, he
thought. Suddenly, he was flipped over and pinned to the massage
table, rendered immobile, before he even realized what they had done.
Just as swiftly, he was gagged with a small towel. He could count at
least six Chinese women holding him down, most in blue smocks and some
in pink, and there may have been more women beyond his limited field
of vision.

“Mei-Mei,” said a woman with long light brown hair as she reached
behind her and opened the door. An elderly Chinese woman entered,
padding softly in fuzzy pink bedroom slippers, a pink bathrobe wrapped
around her small gaunt form. Next came a young girl, not quite of
high school age, bearing a tray that held something which Sippy could
not make out.

“You have been a very bad man,” spoke the old woman into his ear. The
animal still purred, his cock remained hard and one of the women held
his erection at the base so it rose perpendicular from his supine
form. The old woman now began taking ultrathin acupuncture needles of
varying sizes from the tray and inserted them with great precision
into Sippy’s lower abdomen. Even though he could barely feel a
pinprick as each needle penetrated his skin, his anxiety level rose
and soared. Finally, from the tray she took a sounding probe about
twelve inches in length, which to Sippy looked like the largest needle
he’d ever seen, and she brandished it above the head of his penis so
that he could comprehend with ever increasing terror what she was
about to do. A few dabs of lubrication and she inserted, slowly,
slowly, the sounding probe into his urethra He started feeling woozy,
his mind slipping into absurdity. Jiminy Christmas, he thought, a
penis kebab. Halfway in, she removed several of the acupuncture
needles, then plunged the probe to its limit. A sudden scorching
white light leaped across his brain pan and his mind went black.

* * *

“Okay. Well,” I said. “In a way it makes sense. If acupuncture can
cure, then it can also harm ...”

“Dang you, Doc! You’re not listening!” shouted Sippy. He stood in
front of my booth where I worked at draining the ale from a semi-clean
glass. It’d been five days since his ordeal. Upon regaining
consciousness he’d found himself slumped in a heap in front of his
apartment door. Still naked, his clothes had been dumped next to him.
Only a few hours had elapsed and no neighbors had noticed the inert
Sippy Cullen displayed au naturel in their communal hallway.

“Sorry, Sip. I was ...” I began. I had been deflecting as now it
hit me that I’d been too sanguine, too lackadaisical, in dealing with
the man and failed to foresee these repercussions. I needed, somewhat,
to back up, regroup my thinking. “That was a message - they were
telling you they know where you live.”

“How ...?” he asked.

“Oh, I imagine it was a simple as looking in your wallet for your home
address.” I said, “You had it with you, right?”

“Yeah. I checked it and nothing was taken. Except ...”

“So take it to heart. They could have done much worse.”

“... and the woman, “ he said, “she called me a bad man ...”

“I won’t sugarcoat this, Sip,” I said. “You made some bad decisions,
some incredibly reckless decisions, without a shred of regard for some
of your fellow human beings. Surely even you knew that body fluids
are considered biohazard. You weren’t just unethical - you put them
at risk.”

“But dang it Doc,” he said, “sure, I skipped out on paying for
services but that blood could just be wiped off or cleaned up. I
don’t fucking deserve what they did to me. You say they could have
hurt me much worse but you don’t know. They took away my life as I
knew it.

“Sippy,” I said, “you’re alive and intact. Just make amends and get
on with your life.”

“That blood vessel blowout should have bummed me out.” Sippy said,
“but here I thought ‘Mr. Cullen you just take positive steps and get
your act together.’ Dang it, when life hands you lemonade then make
lemon cake! And that’s what I was doing - boosting myself with my
bootstraps and just for a few moments in my life I felt in the game,
riding the crest of the wave ... like I was someone ... like I was
really someone ... it was like I stepped out of that old life - the
life where I schlepped the equipment for the players ... those guys who
were actually in the game ...and where I was constantly bombarded
with the sex boasting and the jock jabber in the locker room ...
taunted by the sort of life I could never have ... and all of a sudden
I could be this new person ... a normal person with a normal life ...
or something more ... I wanted to attack life and chew it up in
man-size portions ... to drink up the whole dang world in big gulps
... to really leave a footprint ... my life should have been so much
more ... but it never was ...”

He swallowed, suppressing a sob.

“And in your eyes, Doc,” he continued, “ ... in your eyes I was always
that no-moxie munchkin ... the snuffler in the backroom ... the guy
what missed the gravy boat ... and now fuck it all! I may be
sidelined for the rest of my life. In the game for a few plays and
then sidelined, benched like a chump in a slump.”

He was trembling, noticeably.

“And you know what they took, Doc?” he continued, “they took away my
drive. They killed the animal. I can’t get it up anymore and I’ve
tried everything. Looking at any image no matter how extreme don’t
juice my fella. Talking to Barb at the 7-11 don’t give me any kind of
buzz no more. I tried little blue pills I borrowed from Old Man
Bigelow up the hall and nothing happened. I can’t even fantasize and
my dreams are dullsville. I never had much before, but I had porn and
now porn is a closed door. There’s a hella big sucky black hole
that’s was my life. Did I really deserve that from them women? I
just want what everyone seems to have. Doc, I ask you. Am I so much
less deserving than anyone else?”

Ah, Sippy, I thought, you wretched man, you were never the one and
never going to be the one to paint the town red. And maybe it’s just
your lot in life to be sidelined from the game which in the end is
just a trifling thing. But, you’ll learn that eventually. We’ve all
had setbacks, especially you, Sippy Cullen, but you always had porn to
fall back on. Now you don’t have the one thing that made tolerable
your sad sack existence.

All the things that I could possibly tell Sippy would be of no comfort
to him at this moment. He swayed, emotionally exhausted, unsteady on
his feet, his rant spent.

“Sippy, there are times I don’t know anything at all,” I said. “Sit
down and I’ll buy you a pint. A big pint.”

He tottered, collapsing into the seat like a dead weight.

* * *



Now you’ve heard the story of Sippy Cullen. I’ve told it straight, no
digressions, no trick endings, a direct and unvarying trajectory with
only one possible outcome. Several days afterward, I made my way to
the Hong Kong Palace restaurant. Inside I asked for May and was shown
the back office where sat an old Chinese woman wearing a black tunic
and slacks and fuzzy pink bedroom slippers. Thank you, she said, for
helping us stop this problem. He has made a first payment of
compensation. I asked if he would recover. Possible, she said, but I
hope not. My girls were so shook up, they will not come back to work.
They must be tested. Tested again in six months. The rooms
rehabbed. I said he had become unhinged. All his life a harmless
midge and just the slightest injury derailed his sense of what is
right. She spat on the floor and gave me the cold eye. Do not tell
me your troubles, Doc Sigerson. I have my own.