"SHANGHAIED!!!!" by Kim Cancer
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Fucked up stories and poetry from the gutter of the Internet!
Monday, February 17, 2020
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Man on the loose, snatching and launching cellphones into street traffic
"Green Bandit" on the loose, snatching and launching cellphones into street traffic
By Cuntumelious, for Meth Lab News
02:20 ET, 01/30/2020
FRED CITY, FUCKSTATE: There have been numerous reports of a tiny man, around 5’0 tall and of sleight frame, wearing a neon green spandex jumpsuit, running through city streets and snatching cellphones away from those walking while texting.
After grabbing the phones, the man stops and hurls the devices into traffic, and then laughs hysterically while dashing off.
Panicked pedestrians, in a quandary, are often unsure of whether to go after the man or chase after their phones. Most have cursed, yelled at the man and then pursued their phone.
The man is described as having a cannon of an arm, able to throw the phones upwards of perhaps 70 to 80 yards, usually in a discus motion. He is also lightning quick, running nearly as fast as a cheetah.
Furthermore, the “Green Phone Bandit,” as he has been dubbed, is fleet on his feet, utilizing a variety of stiff-arms, juke moves, and hurling techniques to evade capture.
In addition, witnesses report his spandex suit to be covered in a greasy substance, rendering it difficult for passersby, good Samaritans to apprehend him.
One security guard attempting to tackle him stumbled, slipped and headbutted a parking meter. The parking meter was unharmed.
The bandit has been apparently targeting Apple Stores and Starbucks. The majority of his attacks have taken place within the vicinity of such establishments.
Witnesses report that the phone snatcher is a ginger, wears Reebok Pumps and has the word “think” in multiple languages scrawled in black ink all over his tight-fitting clothes.
One witness reported the Green Bandit had emerged from a manhole. Several witnesses reported him kicking open the trunks of parked cars, bursting out screaming gibberish. All of the cars involved had Theranos stickers on their passenger side windows.
It’s not known at this time if the phone smasher has any association with the company.
FRED City Police are investigating but don’t seem to care. If you have any information about the Green Bandit, or if you are the Green Bandit, you can basically just go fuck yourself.
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
"Cancel Culture" by Kim Cancer
This is not a story. This is not literature.
This is a spit in the face.
A kick in the nuts. A punch in the tit.
A shooting spree,
of consonants and vowels, aimed at snowflakes.
This is to be loathed. This is to cause anger.
This is to be deleted, blocked, downvoted, canceled and hated.
Demonetized
by coding corpses in Silicon Valley
It is my hope a Twitter Mob forms,
curses my name, relegates me to Louis CK status.
This is my penis and I take it out
a dark web palm reader for the snowflakes.
This is my penis and I take it out
to piss on the face of all Boomers, Gen Xers
and especially the Millennials and Gen Z
You who have grown with smartphones akin to limbs,
priapic pineal glands, ophthalmic screens…
You who have “emotional support animals”
I hope your emotional support animal
mauls you to death like an Alaskan grizzly bear
and you fucking die like that execrable Australian crocodile cunt
You who have “safe spaces”
I want to rig your safe spaces
with prepositions, adverbial pipe bombs
and laugh as they explode like an Ariana Grande concert
Yes, YOU, you snowflakes…
You who have transformed young America
into a coddled wasteland
of mock outrage, moaning prudes
You who subscribe to video game streams on YouTube
You who pay punk ass PewDiePie his millions
while the greatest living poet in America works as a janitor!
You who fight over bathrooms
You who bastardize legitimate arguments,
shame those who marched
shame those who righteously died
You who vote Republican and Democrat
You who watch CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News
You who wish to silence creators
You who are triggered
You who can’t take a joke
You who can’t fathom opposing views
You who Yelp, write online reviews
in braille
You who protest Bill Burr, Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle
You, you snowflakes: I want to reach into your toilets
to smear myself in your shit
and kick at your cunts and balls as you whine online about my blackface
I want to punch your nose
paint myself in your blood and attack your colleges
with wadded up copies of The Naked Lunch and Tropic of Cancer
I want to hack Spotify
replace every playlist with Public Enemy on a continuous loop
and blast 2 Live Crew
from loudspeakers down every boulevard in Northern California
I want to hog-tie conservatives, make them watch gay porn
I want to hog-tie liberals, make them watch monster truck rallies
Because your phone can block
Your phone can delete
But energy cannot be destroyed
And ART, speech, thought
Are the purest form of energy
The very flesh of emotion…
Currency both malefic and supernal!
And now, snowflakes
now I tie your noose
I grind my knife to your throat
I aim my AK at your temples
Just to tell you this:
Sticks and stones can break my bones
But words will always nourish me…
Let there be commerce!
Friday, September 27, 2019
"The War Against Obesity" by Kim Cancer
An addendum to the novel “Taliban Telemarketer” by Kim Cancer…
“The War Against Obesity”
Next America had far too many obese.
The obesity crisis had worsened throughout the 2000s and 2010s, particularly so in the late 2010s when being “overweight” became socially acceptable, normalized.
The phrase “Fat Shaming” had entered the lexicon.
Large, “plus-size” women, men on the covers of fashion magazines.
After the brief Civil War 2 concluded, when the US National Debt was consolidated by FRED Corps***, “FREDicare for all”, “FREDicare” comprehensive medical coverage plans were implemented and covered the entirety of Next America’s legal citizens (those Class A, B, C - though not Class D).
FREDicare provided basic care, vision, dental, with much of the services handled by cost-efficient AI, BOT…
*** Who is FRED?
What was known about FRED: FRED is a council of major corporations founded by the former “Federal Reserve Bank” and a collective of international mega-corps.
The collective pooled resources to purchase the United States of America’s colossal $125 trillion national debt and maneuvered to annex Canada, Mexico, the Caribbean, the UK, Ireland, and Greenland into one awesome nation...
FRED had no visible leader. No known CEO.
The closest visible thing to FRED leadership was the President of Next America, a series of drooling, stammering borderline mentally retarded caricatures, normally chosen from a shit-battery of homeless schizophrenics and loudmouth borderline narcissists, all of whom were raped, beaten, tortured, tarred and feathered routinely on Fucking News STREAMS…
The most popular STREAM for a time was Meet the Fucking Press, an audience driven poll program, featuring survey choices of methods to humiliate and physically, mentally batter the President.
The series finale STREAM having the President believe his term to be mercifully over, and when leaving the White House, hopping, skipping, and singing “Hall-LAY-LOO-YAH”!
The President, a filthy, toothless, raggedy dressed homeless CW2 veteran, was mauled to death and eaten by a genetically revived breed of saber-tooth tiger (infused/possessed by the ghost of Panzram) the tiger dropped via flying drone, onto the White House south lawn…
Following the indignation of PETA for allowing the tiger to possibly be put in harm’s way, and disappointing STREAM, sagging Presidential approval ratings, BIGFOOT, the Sasquatch, the yeti, who’d been flushed from the woods due to deforestation, was installed as Vice President, and then finally took the oath of office, and being 9 feet tall, BIGFOOT was rarely the object of ridicule.
In fact, BIGFOOT became perhaps the most popular President. EVER. The Lincoln Memorial, Jefferson Memorial, and Washington Monument all torn down and replaced with statues of BIGFOOT in various reflective poses…
FRED: Its meetings were held biannually in the massive, heavily fortified super-exclusive Fuck You Resort 2, located on the shores of beachfront Arizona, no media or pictography allowed.
While the innerworkings of FRED remained murky, and the public was largely apathetic, mollified by VR, many of FRED’s initiatives became clear.
Its first was to reduce the girth of Next America’s waistlines…
A government program, a national initiative, called “Shut the Fuck Up and Shape Up!” was launched.
Its First Phase: The Children.
Next America’s children mostly attended school VR, occasionally being led to social events, testing, in armored school buses…
Next America’s children were henceforth required compulsory training (either by VR or IRL) in martial arts, street fighting, Judo, boxing, wrestling, MMA classes, beginning in kindergarten, and were required to engage in physical combat activity, painted camouflage and sent on random urban hyena, baboon spear hunts for a minimum of 3 hours daily…
Morbidly obese children quarantined, processed into “fat farms”, re-education centers, forced into beehive structures, connected by suction wiring, their diets adjusted, and instructed by Tooth Fairy Dahmer BOTS to wrestle small chimps and bears, participate in hand to hand combat, CrossFit, compliance calisthenics…
The Second Phase: “Act Against Obesity Normalization”
An act of legislature that banned images of the morbidly obese in media, except for circumstances in which obesity is discussed as a health issue or the obese were being violently attacked by hierarchical dominant muscular alpha males, rabid animals (usually hyena, baboon, tiger, mountain lion) and/or verbally assaulted, viciously pranked (usually punched in the stomach by surprise robotic arms or chairs pulled out from behind, Fucking Pranking and Punching Fat People in the Stomach STREAM being immensely popular for a time)...
The Third Phase: “Disappeared”
Final Solution to the obesity crisis. The “Fuck Obesity Act” legislation, in which the morbidly obese were given, by legal decree, one year to become non-morbidly obese.
However, no punishment for non-compliance was announced or even mentioned…
(Mental health, monitored by brain chip/neural networking, and physical health, monitored by face rec scans, body scans, was data-maintained by FRED social stability apparatus; measurements comprised an undisclosed portion of one’s Class distinction.)
((Morbid obesity itself was no longer tracked simply by BMI, but instead by a complex, opaque computational algorithm, computed by AI tracker security sky cams and bee-sized roving drones, capable of scanning, ascertaining confirmation of morbid obesity in split seconds.))
Since FRED Corps’ first major action upon taking control of Next America was to legalize all acts of physical non-sexual violence (w/the exception of violence against the Class A and rape of the President) the population, knowing FRED Corps’ insouciance, if not penchant for violence, and their creation of the wildly popular STREAMS like The Fucking Torture Channel, was abuzz on CHITTER with conjecture over what the punishment for morbid obesity would exactly be…
As the compliance date neared, many obese turned themselves in to authorities, and were shipped to concentration camps, where they were forced into military exercises, laborious physical exercise, hard labor, strenuously rigid dietary regimes, self-criticism struggle sessions and MMA training, with the obese pitted against one another in random grappling, fistfights and kickfights…
(The kickfight being a razor wire cage fight where the combatants’ arms are chained behind the back and only combatants’ legs are used to kick at one another- biting, headbutting allowed/encouraged)
PROTEST: SJW obese, unhappy with the decree, fought back, organized a mass rally, a protest, resembling an old school gay pride parade, where the obese nationwide marched (of course not for too long, many panting, wheezing along parade routes, so several rode on floats, or in mobility carts, scooters, Segways).
The obese in only underwear, their bouncy, flabby bellies, flopping, jiggling; their thunder thighs rippling; the obese amassed, taunting police BOTS, picketing the FRED Corp shadowy skyscraper in downtown NNYC; the obese guzzling Coca Cola and blasting, singing and dancing to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me”.
Little did the obese at the rally know that each and every one of their faces were logged via biometric face scan...
The obese were branded by FRED AI as “fucking recalcitrant” and targeted for disposal.
The few Class A in the protests found their Class distinctions immediately lowered to Class C.
The protesting obese, in days following, arrested in mass.
Police BOTS, squadrons of bounty hunter dog cyborgs hunted the obese, ambushing them outside all-you-can-eat buffets, WWE wrestling matches, Walmart, Next America southern states particularly targeted…
Trailers, mobile homes, apartments, houses raided; obese beaten, dragged through streets, piled into transport vehicles, maglev trains, flying robots; obese plucked up and flown away by aerial octopus attack drones...
Def Leppard’s “Photograph” played, at ear splitting volumes, in continuous loops by and inside each transport vehicle…
The captured obese amassed, brought to the concentration camps with the voluntary obese...
However, as opposed to the volunteers, who were given some leeway, some freedoms (the freedom to watch baseball especially enjoyed, especially the ceremonial opening 1st inning 30-second fistfight between opposing teams’ managers, and the volunteer obese really took a shining to the Fucking Rock Stars Smashing Guitars STREAM) but those rebellious, captured obese were afforded far harsher conditions.
They were tethered, chained to exercise bikes, treadmills, stair climbers, hot yoga confinement cells, forced into motion for hours on end, lashed with electrical cords, wet towels by the volunteers, fed only via intravenous tubes, and administered involuntary, invasive liposuctions, vomit inductions and iced saline water, White Claw enemas.
Many of the obese were unable to endure. They wheezed, plunged from the exercise equipment. Many had heart attacks.
But they were not allowed to die.
They’d instantly be resuscitated by roving medi-BOT, plopped right back onto the exercise equipment, forced to resume calorie burning motion.
(The few unable to be resuscitated obese had their body parts harvested for scientific study or private sale; the pale skin obese in particular fetching a hefty sum, sold at auction to wealthy patrons in Asiatic countries...)
Roughly 2 years after the initial decree, the obesity crisis was considered solved. The obese who survived the camps released, though kept on probation, bodyfat monitoring regimen…
But there remained an active obese insurgency. Obese hiding out underground, in bunkers; obese guerrilla, Class D, off-grid muckers.
The muckers would pop up here, there and attack FRED property, police BOT, hijack food delivery vehicles, highly coordinated armed robberies of restaurants, grocery stores…
However, ironically, since many were unable to eat as frequently, due to their renegade status, they lost most of the flab they’d fought so fiercely to protect and were no longer in danger of simple persecution for being illegal obese.
They were still routinely punished, though, and ultimately terminated for attacking Class A, FRED property.
Many of those on Fucking Torture or Fucking Execution STREAM were obese or former obese who’d turned to anti-FRED, anti-Class A banditry…
Friday, August 23, 2019
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