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"A Jump to Heaven's Gate" by Kim Cancer

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"Parents got pissed on in Times Square" by Cuntumelious

“They were in Times Square, for New Year’s Eve.”

“Never understood that, celebrating New Year’s with all those strangers, standing in the cold, in a place so fucking crowded.”

“And how did it happen?”

“I don’t know… He just said his parents got pissed on by somebody.”

“I assume it was a man.”

“You never know.”

“It was so clotted with people that the pisser probably couldn’t reach a bathroom, was stupid drunk, I’d guess.”

“It was New Year’s Eve…”

“I wonder how it went down. Did the guy whip it out and start shooting, like a deranged killer, wantonly spraying down everyone?”

“And packed in like sardines, there’d be nowhere to escape. You’d have to simply stand there and take it.”

“Nowhere to run. Some freak, unzips his fly, cock flailing in the night, pissing wildly, pissing all over you...”

“The pissing guy screaming like Rambo, all: “RAAAAAAHHH!!!”

“Nah, no way. I think it was that the guy couldn’t hold it, went in his pants and the parents were wetted by it.”

“Can’t imagine a person breaking out his dick, pointing and pissing at some random people.”

“I can. People do worse. Of all the tragedies that could befall you, it is low down on the list.”

“Don’t be too hasty to judge. Perhaps he was actually a good Samaritan. Like he scanned around, spared the others, spared the children.”

“Pissing on a child, that must be a sex offense. Chris Hanson shit…”

“Chris Hansen.”

“Hansen?”

“Hansen.”

“Marilyn Manson.”

“Isn’t Marilyn Manson dead?”

“No, Marilyn Manson is alive and pissing on people in Times Square.”

“Marilyn Manson is pissing on children.”

“It has to be a sex offense, pissing on children...”

“Even by accident? Say you’re in a public bathroom, pissing in a urinal, and a crazy kid comes running in, accidentally runs into your stream, and you blast his snotty little face with your golden bladder juice. Fucking next thing you know, you’re in jail, getting shanked, getting your cheeks busted by a tatted-up Aryan Brotherhood gang member. Fuck…”

“I’m using the stall from now on...”

“Or did the piss originate from above? A balcony shooter. A roof shooter.”

“The Oswald of Piss…”

“A second shooter theory. One from nearby and one from above.”

“Dude’s parents had enemies…”

“Magic piss. Ricocheting.”

“A rooftop pisser, a sniper. Like someone at a crowded party, couldn’t make it to the bathroom, relieved himself off a roof. Did it innocently enough. Thought he’d hit a dumpster or some shit, accidentally sprayed dude’s parents.”

“You really think it was incidental?”

“Accidental. It was an accident. I want to believe that. It helps me maintain faith in humanity.”

“What’d they do afterwards?”

“Who? The pisser?”

“No, the parents…”

“After what?”

“After they got pissed on...”

“Not sure. It’s an awkward conversation to have…”

“Piss must have frozen on them.”

“Icicles of piss, crinkling off them…”

“I’d punch a motherfucker in the dick if he pissed on me.”

“But what if it was Shaq? Bet he’d piss like a fire hose. Has special toilets installed in his house.”

“I’d save the piss, the Shaq Piss. Sell it on eBay.”

“Still don’t understand. How does anyone get pissed on in Times Square?”

“Why does anyone go there for New Year’s Eve?”

“Dude’s parents probably won’t go back for New Year’s again.”

“And if they do, they’d deserve to be pissed on…”

"SHANGHAIED!!!!" by Kim Cancer

"SHANGHAIED!!!!" by Kim Cancer

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Man on the loose, snatching and launching cellphones into street traffic

"Green Bandit" on the loose, snatching and launching cellphones into street traffic


By Cuntumelious, for Meth Lab News

02:20 ET, 01/30/2020

FRED CITY, FUCKSTATE: There have been numerous reports of a tiny man, around 5’0 tall and of sleight frame, wearing a neon green spandex jumpsuit, running through city streets and snatching cellphones away from those walking while texting.

After grabbing the phones, the man stops and hurls the devices into traffic, and then laughs hysterically while dashing off.

Panicked pedestrians, in a quandary, are often unsure of whether to go after the man or chase after their phones. Most have cursed, yelled at the man and then pursued their phone.

The man is described as having a cannon of an arm, able to throw the phones upwards of perhaps 70 to 80 yards, usually in a discus motion. He is also lightning quick, running nearly as fast as a cheetah.

Furthermore, the “Green Phone Bandit,” as he has been dubbed, is fleet on his feet, utilizing a variety of stiff-arms, juke moves, and hurling techniques to evade capture.

In addition, witnesses report his spandex suit to be covered in a greasy substance, rendering it difficult for passersby, good Samaritans to apprehend him.

One security guard attempting to tackle him stumbled, slipped and headbutted a parking meter. The parking meter was unharmed.

The bandit has been apparently targeting Apple Stores and Starbucks. The majority of his attacks have taken place within the vicinity of such establishments.

Witnesses report that the phone snatcher is a ginger, wears Reebok Pumps and has the word “think” in multiple languages scrawled in black ink all over his tight-fitting clothes.

One witness reported the Green Bandit had emerged from a manhole. Several witnesses reported him kicking open the trunks of parked cars, bursting out screaming gibberish. All of the cars involved had Theranos stickers on their passenger side windows.

It’s not known at this time if the phone smasher has any association with the company.

FRED City Police are investigating but don’t seem to care. If you have any information about the Green Bandit, or if you are the Green Bandit, you can basically just go fuck yourself.

"Teaching Experience at St. Benedict College, Bangkok, Thailand" by Kink Bundy

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"Cancel Culture" by Kim Cancer

This is not a story. This is not literature.
This is a spit in the face.
A kick in the nuts. A punch in the tit.
A shooting spree,
of consonants and vowels, aimed at snowflakes.

This is to be loathed. This is to cause anger.
This is to be deleted, blocked, downvoted, canceled and hated.
Demonetized
by coding corpses in Silicon Valley

It is my hope a Twitter Mob forms,
curses my name, relegates me to Louis CK status.

This is my penis and I take it out
a dark web palm reader for the snowflakes.
This is my penis and I take it out
to piss on the face of all Boomers, Gen Xers
and especially the Millennials and Gen Z

You who have grown with smartphones akin to limbs,
priapic pineal glands, ophthalmic screens…

You who have “emotional support animals”
I hope your emotional support animal
mauls you to death like an Alaskan grizzly bear
and you fucking die like that execrable Australian crocodile cunt

You who have “safe spaces”
I want to rig your safe spaces
with prepositions, adverbial pipe bombs
and laugh as they explode like an Ariana Grande concert

Yes, YOU, you snowflakes…

You who have transformed young America
into a coddled wasteland
of mock outrage, moaning prudes

You who subscribe to video game streams on YouTube
You who pay punk ass PewDiePie his millions
while the greatest living poet in America works as a janitor!

You who fight over bathrooms
You who bastardize legitimate arguments,
shame those who marched
shame those who righteously died

You who vote Republican and Democrat
You who watch CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News
You who wish to silence creators
You who are triggered
You who can’t take a joke
You who can’t fathom opposing views
You who Yelp, write online reviews
in braille
You who protest Bill Burr, Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle

You, you snowflakes: I want to reach into your toilets
to smear myself in your shit
and kick at your cunts and balls as you whine online about my blackface

I want to punch your nose
paint myself in your blood and attack your colleges
with wadded up copies of The Naked Lunch and Tropic of Cancer

I want to hack Spotify
replace every playlist with Public Enemy on a continuous loop
and blast 2 Live Crew
from loudspeakers down every boulevard in Northern California

I want to hog-tie conservatives, make them watch gay porn
I want to hog-tie liberals, make them watch monster truck rallies

Because your phone can block
Your phone can delete
But energy cannot be destroyed

And ART, speech, thought
Are the purest form of energy
The very flesh of emotion…

Currency both malefic and supernal!

And now, snowflakes
now I tie your noose
I grind my knife to your throat
I aim my AK at your temples
Just to tell you this:

Sticks and stones can break my bones
But words will always nourish me…

Let there be commerce!