"Bald Head Fred" by Newamba Flamingo

Bald Head Fred in camo cargos
Bald Head Fred, his Hillary for Prison 2016 tee
Bald Head Fred, El Chapo of the Viagra Cartel
Bald Head Fred, hairy man-tits, hotel balcony fits
Bald Head Fred, throwing beer bottles at feral cats
Bald Head Fred, proselytizing and cursing into humidity
Bald Head Fred, Gospels of Al Bundy Butt Sex Terrorism
Bald Head Fred, the Jesus of sodomy

"One Night in Bangkok" by Newamba Flamingo

No more popping pills

Here they’ve traded ulcers and commutes
for tiki temples and tire fire sunsets

Krung Thep
Soi Cowboys with shiny new teeth
HiSo(s) with two right hands of Terminal 21

Here we got all the latest trends in coconut oil colonoscopy

Here we have dreams of soapy massages,
Australian ass crack, and true arhats

Here Bangkok narrow streets
are water buffaloes in Issan

Asoke!
Bangkok BTS, feel the devil, hope it's a She
Phoelchit!
Bangkok BTS, bored to the Go Go
Chitlom!
Bangkok BTS, levitate, levitate thee
Siam!
Bangkok BTS, Here the dialect is a bar fine

Here there is no God
we seek the new Seth Warshavsky
or Marilyn Manson
maybe a recovering Mormon
or some other fallen star

Here there’s no God, but there’s bars
Oh the bars, they got Tequila shots, but no Tila

They got Tilaks and some smoking hot honeys

They got coyotes and horndogs
those crotch sniffers cold canvassing carpets

They got surgical masks and food stalls
spicy smells and papaya salads,
banana roti(s), emojis and part-time palm readers

They got
Laotian club kids
the only ones
who can truly relieve your resting bitch face

"Mmmm, Baht Baht!"


“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Baht Baht...“

Here there are fantasy cockroach leagues
Klong Toey caravans beckoning sunburn,
Saan phra poom purges of
youngsters playing badminton in Donald Trump masks

Here
street corner dildo police publicly piss test the masses

Here there are 35 degrees of heavily veiled women

Here Colonel Vikorn has lookouts on the prowl for handys and Brexits

Here
there are violent gangs of post-midnight ladyboys
plaguing Pattaya,
fucking up Dutch tourists, roughing their shit
Tuk Tuk taxi drivers on about Obamacare pre-ops
Tuk Tuk taxi drivers
planning on planting pipe bombs at Siam Paragon

(Mr. 303 voice) Listen man:
You want a blowjob at the massage parlor, a cunt punt, or a fist full of yaba?
(a twenty year stink in the Bangkok Hilton or twenty thousand farang Franklins, motherfucker!)



Yesterday’s Bangkok Post:
Seventy Two Twitter Users Protest Koh Pee Pee Midnight Screening of new Ghostbusters

这里有
a new Fat Joe, brass knuckles, and a high wai for the Walking ATM
这里有
lotus flower riots, cheap booze, cough syrup coups,
red shirts, re-used condoms and live ammunition shutdown options

(now let’s see what Owen Wilson has to say about that, shall we!)

Saturday Night, Nana Plaza:
Thunderstorm MILF, the short time queen,
silky brown skin
Cambodian butt cheeks encased chocolate thong lo
berserk it, work it, twerk it, bitch
90 Baht, 80 Baht, 70 Baht
Led Zeppelin, buttrock, and Britney Spears


Monday Night Karaoke:
This girl is poison

Tuesday Night:
Thunderstorm MILF in Sukhumvit, street-side
straight up grabbing random tourist man-ass

Make me wanna ask that slap attack monk
He who slap attacked that cracker tourist on a train:
“So why is it okay for a woman to just go up and grab a random dude’s ass? How is he any less violated?”

And the monk might or might not answer:
“Back in the Tsunami of 2004, there was a man peacefully walking down the beach alone as the first big wave was approaching the shore. People started yelling out to him, warning him, imploring him to flee to safety. The man looked over at them, confused, unsure as to why they were so panicked. Then suddenly the massive wave engulfed him.”

Me:
“Did a hooker just grab his ass prior to that?”

The Monk:
“No.”

Me:
“I fail to see the correlation or logic.”

The monk:
“You seek logic. The wave does not.”

สวัสดีสวัสดีสวัสดี

Going to Singapore

"Going to Singapore" by Newamba Flamingo

"Singapore... yeah... was there back in 06. Great nightlife."
"Really? Wouldn't have thought that. Says here on the embarkation card something about death for drug traffickers."
"But they don't kill you for drinking."
"I can't drink anymore for a while. I got oral lichen planus."
"Oral what?"
"Don't ask."
"If you can't drink, at least you can go banging hookers. Prostitution is legal there."
"Yeah?"
"Don't litter, or spit on the street, though. They'll cane you for that."
"Cane you?"
"Yeah, it's a common punishment there. They strip you naked, throw you into this thick body suit with a hole in it where your bare ass hangs out, and they string you up and whack your ass with a cane. Whack your ass tomato red, 'til it bleeds..."
"Damn."
"But they don't usually cane you if they sentence you to death."
"I guess that's compassionate."
"But they do do it for stuff like spitting on the street or littering."
"Streets there must be clean."
"Sure are."
"Think they cane you for spitting on a hooker?"
"I don't know."
"They cane you for all sorts of things, even for overstaying your visa..."
"Really?"
"Yup, but only if it's a couple months or more. I mean, if you miss your flight or something, they won't pull you into some room in the airport, and, you know..."
"Sure is an incentive to not miss your flight, however."
"..."
"You know a lot about Singapore."
"I go on Wikipedia sometimes."
"Think they'd cane Westerners? Like, Americans?"
"They would and do. You're probably too young to remember, but they did it to some American kid back in 94 or 95, for throwing eggs at cars, I think. Michael Fay, Ray or Day, the poor bastard's name was. Beat his ass pretty good."
"For real?"
"Sure did, a lot of people in America were up in arms about it too, on CNN and talk shows, crying about it, but I remember my old man was saying how they oughta do that here to these young punks..."
"Think that'd be a deterant? I could see idiots all bragging about it, like they do about going to prison. Like Lil Wayne taking out his naked ass in music videos, pointing at it, showing off his scars, like it's gangsta."
"Who's Little Wayne?"
"You don't know who that is?"
"Nah, I must be getting old. That's a sure sign you're getting old, when you don't know who Little Wayne is."
"Actually it's Lil Wayne."
"Lil?"
"Lil."
"Whatever."

"Just seems sorta demeaning to be known as 'little' something or another."
"Chris Rock calls him a retarded midget."
"I know Chris Rock. I like Chris Rock."
"Is he really retarded, this Little Wayne?"
"I'm not sure. He is quite short."
"Still, if you're a kid and they call you 'little' whatever, I guess it's alright, but if you're fifty, would you still want people calling you that?"
"I wonder that about 'Young Jeezy' too."
"'Young Jeezy?' For Christ's sake..."
"I don't know if Lil Wayne or Young Jeezy will make it to fifty. They'll probably get smoked by some hater. Rappers get shot all the time."
"Smoked by a hater?"
"Never mind."
"..."
"Hey, scope the tail on that flight attendant there, the tallish one, with all the makeup."
"That is a sweet yellow ass right there."
"Asian women are just beautiful."
"You catch that yellow fever if you're out here long enough."
"Oh, I already got it."
"And there's no going back from it either. I can't even get an erection for other ethnicities."
"Walking Viagra, these women."
"Never understood the yellow fever, until I came out here."
"It's something serious. They should pass out pamphlets about it when you apply for visas."
"What I wouldn't give to grab that ass..."
"I hear guys grab flight attendant ass a lot on flights out of Hong Kong."
"But we're in Singaporean airspace now, on a Singaporean airline, so you wouldn't get away with it... I bet they'd cane you."
"An ass like that might be worth it."
"Nah, in all seriousness, I'd never do that, molest a woman against her will. I only molest consensually."
"Can one molest consensually?"
"I can and do. Non-consensual molesters deserve to be caned."
"And getting caned on the ass, for grabbing an ass, talk about the irony."
"Look, that's what being a man is all about, being able to hide and suppress your perversions."
"I guess that's what separates us from the animals on all fours."
"That's right. Much more so than anything else."

Wasted Lanza

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Glasgow Gidget

"Glasgow Gidget" by Newamba Flamingo

Glasgow Gidget lass she had a piss on the building society front anti automatic door didn't open @nytime that cold night, Glasgow Gidget, her Cradle of Filth, Glasgow Gidget her ghost in the fog, Glasgow Gidget her vomit on the street, Glasgow Gidget her broken fingers and cockroaches in the kitchen, Glasgow Gidget, her Royal Bank of Get to Fuck, Glasgow Gidget, fifty pence fuck all to Paisley, Glasgow Gidget, taking the piss, Glasgow Gidget, Glasgow Gidget, Glasgow Gidget in Shawlands on Segways wearing green hit the pavement pure drive-by boomerang attacks on Celtic supporters, Glasgow Gidget in Ibrox on skateboards wearing blue hit the pavement gyrating axe answer attacks on Rangers supporters, Glasgow Gidget cow knows where Maddy is, aye, Glasgow Gidget on pogosticks pipe bombs in confession booths, Glasgow Gidget the Gordon in Brown, Glasgow Gidget sees ya lochness monster locusts in every lorry cockpit, Glasgow Gidget spontaneous cricket bat outbursts, Glasgow Gidget, tuberculosis in the call centre, Glasgow Gidget, allah youse, Glasgow Gidget in wee hooses, Glasgow Gidget cannae ya cunts, Glasgow Gidget in a gondola on the River Clyde

In Response to the Pixies' "Ed is Dead"

"In response to the Pixies' 'Ed is Dead'" by Newamba Flamingo


Back in high school,
I had a friend named Ed

He had a long black pony tail
and big buckteeth...

Ed was always smiling...

We used to get high at lunchtime
huffing Glade, smoking pot
and popping percocet

One time we got drunk
and double-teamed a big titted ginger bitch with lots of freckles
in the handicapped bathroom of the school library

My ex-girlfriend Wendy said Ed'd fuck anything with two tits and a heartbeat

and Ed said he'd fuck his older half-sister if she'd let him...

Ed stole weed from his dad, who was also named Ed,
and Ed's 12 year old brother stole weed from him...

Ed liked run around the hallways between classes, yelling "slay the beast" in a British accent, making spastic motions with his arms, sometimes stopping to slap a random person upside the head

One time Ed was driving his parent's wood paneled station wagon, lip-syncing "Straight Outta Compton" by NWA, and he stopped at an intersection, rolled down his window and punched a bicyclist in the face for no apparent reason that I could reasonably gather...

Ed said he spent a summer vacation in New Mexico with his cousin Gabriel and that they shot at Devil Worshipers in the desert and that he thought they killed one

Ed said he wanted to shoot Marilyn Manson too...

(Please note that this Ed is not to be confused with another Ed I know, who had testicular cancer and had to have one of his testicles surgically removed. That Ed I studied Classical Chinese with at a training center in Taiwan and got a nasty case of giardia with in Tibet... BUT THIS IS NOT THAT ED.)

My friend from high school Ed was half Mexican and got jumped into the Eighteenth Street Gang by his cousin Juan

His cousin Juan tattooed 18th Street in Roman numerals on the inside of Ed's right ring finger with a sewing needle, cigarette lighter, and india ink

Juan went to jail, and when he was released, he knocked on Ed's window at 2am, wanting Ed to come with him to blow up some fool's car

But Ed didn't go...

I haven't talked to Ed since 2002

Last I heard of him, he was doing well

He got married, bought a townhouse and was working as a paralegal

I wonder if he still has that tattoo

The Great American Novel

"The Great American Novel" by Newamba Flamingo


I want to spend the next ten years writing the great American novel

and when I send it out to publishers
every single one will reject it
all with form rejection letters
instead of the sardonic
and/or personal criticism I'd prefer

I want to write the great American novel

and self-publish it online
to a password protected site
only I can see

I want to write the great American novel

and let my only friend read it
and she'll tell me how it would make a wonderful screenplay